Searching For Love In All The Wrong Places

Church was amazing today, and that's putting it lightly. God is definitely moving in my life as well as a lot of other people around me. I am so happy to finally be finding my own place in a church family. During the sermon, Gerald played "Oh, How He Loves" while a group of people took turns holding up cardboard signs with their testimonies written on them. On one side, they wrote the trials they went through and they would flip the signs to show how God transformed their lives. Some of the testimonies made mine seem so puny, but I know every testimony is unique. There were definitely very few dry eyes in the church and if you know the size of McGregor Baptist, you know that's saying a lot. Well after that moving sermon and some of the great conversations I had with my new friends today, I was inspired to write this blog.

Someone asked me at lunch what I dreamed of doing when I grew up. Of course like most kids, my ambitions would change from time to time. I wanted to be a singer, a fireman, and a physical therapist, etc. But there were only two dreams I ever took seriously and they were, 1) to be a missionary, write a book, and adopt a baby all in Africa, and 2) to be a house wife and a mommy. Without going into too much detail, my first dream was torn down by some people when I was very young and I was told not to pursue that dream. It hasn't been until recently that it was placed back on my heart, so we'll see. It could forever remain a dream of mine or parts of it could some day happen. But my second dream is a whole different case. I was definitely encouraged to follow that one and I wanted nothing more than to have my own family some day. After I graduated from highschool I didn't take going to college seriously because I didn't want a career; I wanted a family! So I pursued that dream and by age 19, I was already married and on the road to success.... or so I thought. Most of you should know by now how that story ended; I'm now a divorced, single mom.

Sometimes our dreams aren't out of reach, and sometimes they line up perfectly with God's plans for us. But that doesn't always mean that we're going about it in the right way. God may have always planned for me to be a housewife with a loving marriage and beautiful children, but instead of seeking His direction I decided to forge the waters on my own and ended up sinking. Every relationship I've been in has ended up that way. Not every relationship was bad, but my lack of faith in God was. I have never allowed God to lead me into a relationship, I've always forced it to happen on my own. Even if it was God who brought the man into my life, I didn't wait for His time and purpose and because of that I wasn't fulfilled in the relationship. I would end up making mistakes and/or the relationship would take a nose dive and I'd always walk away with more heart ache than before.

A month ago, during one of the many times that I have prayed for God's direction in my life, I came to a realization. I could either continue in this pattern for the rest of my life and find myself in and out of broken relationships which I never want for my son, or I could finally give up and let God have full control. I decided I was going to pick the latter. Since then, God has opened my eyes to how much I turned to men for security in my life instead of going to Him. ESPECIALLY after I had my son and was afraid to walk through life as a parent alone. I still have my moments of fear, but my faith is definitely strengthening and for the first time I enjoy not relying on a man to make me feel sure of where my life is going. So on the day that I made my choice to give it all to God, I also made a vow to Him. I'm going to go at least the next 6 months not dating. That doesn't mean God couldn't bring the right man into my life during that time, or that He hasn't already done so. I don't know and I'm not going to worry about it. I am fine with growing in friendships with both men and women, but I'm not going to focus on anything more. And if the right man does come along, then he will wait for me.

I realized that in order for God to prepare me as the wife I want to some day be, whether I am stay-at-home or not, I first need to make myself a more beautiful bride for Christ. So I call these 6 months my Honeymoon with Christ. This is my time to focus on my relationship with Him and only Him. Ironically, I made my vow on July 1st so the technical end date would be January 1st (New Years!) but that doesn't mean that come January 2nd I'm going to cut back on my relationship with Christ to make room for a man. In fact, God could put it on my heart to extend my commitment. I'm just letting God guide my heart and from now on, the man is going to have to take the back seat.

Just because I made this vow doesn't mean it's been smooth sailing so far. In fact, until this past week I really wanted to forget it. But the longer I stick to it, the stronger I am and the more the rest of my life seems to improve as well. I'm very excited to see where God takes me in the next 6 months, 5 years, 10 years, etc. Another single mom from sunday school and I were talking about how all we ever wanted was a family and now here we are, raising children alone. But we've come to a point in our lives where we are content with whatever God holds for our future. If His will is for me to stay single for the rest of my life, I will continue to love Him faithfully and trust in Him.

When you seem to find yourself in a constant state of dissapointment over something specific in your life, stop trying to fix it and give it to God.

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LOOKIN FOR LOVE
by Out of Eden (old school)

Your heart is broken and your wondering
what you can do to ease the hurt and pain you feel
your letting these no ones get in closer
than they need to 'cus your lookin' for love
oh i've got a feeling that no one's told you
no one has bothered at all to give you what you need
so your out searching for someone to hold on to
but you don't know it's right here if you'd only see

CHORUS:
lookin for love in all the wrong places
just to find someone who can erase the hurt
and if u could you'd get a potion
the love of God goes deeper than an ocean
lookin for love u know that i can show you
cus' what i've found goes on and on and on
and u never have to worry about it being gone

your on your own now, doing your own thing
say you don't need nobody's help to make it through
but your really waisting your time and your still lonely
and you know that your gonna find
that your only left more empty then you were before
oh but i'm tellin you you don't have to look around
let me tell you bout the love that i have found
everything that your heart needs, it's just right here
right here waiting
no you don't have to look no more
real love is knocking on your door
everything that your soul needs, it's just right here
right here waitin for you

(CHORUS)

RAP:
now there's puppy love and crushes, such as girl meets boe
going out and do you like me, check yes or no
well i was looking for love in the deepest of all places
though i found it on a 2-way street lifted in spaces
the status of a broken heart eternity while the phony one love is blind
I'm fallin it while i'm bumin' into hurdles since i got most all love
and we can feel it in this presence God is closer than close
why try to reach him long distance

oh my friend i'm tellin you
i've been there myself a time or two
when i was just running round
to find peace for my heart
when it's been broken down
there's somthing that you need to see
the one who made u loves you please believe
it's all you need to get by
and you know you're somebody
so tell me why your

(CHORUS)