Overcoming Hard Feelings

I am a very selfish person. I react too quickly to things that make me upset. It's not that I don't have a right to feel upset, but the way I handle it is not always right. I can see God working in me to change this behavior, but it is not an easy task. Over the past few weeks, I have found myself in a very tough spot emotionally. Many times I've had no other choice but to drop to my knees and give it all to God. In my own words, I ask Him to "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." (Psalm 139:23) Well........... let me tell you. Those are some very beautiful and powerful words to pray to the Lord. I can see God sitting in heaven every time I pray that prayer, chuckling at me and saying, "April, I thought you would never ask!" I mean, the last few weeks have been the most humbling days of my life. I have been tried in so many ways; some things I haven't really shared with anyone, which is uncommon for me but that is how humbling it has been. But as humiliating as it seems, "I hold fast to your statutes, O Lord; do not let me be put to shame." (Psalm 119:31)

Nothing can break me from my Father this time. I broke my vows to God in the past, but He stayed committed to His vows for me and He took me back, broken and ashamed, with open arms. I was the prodigal *daughter*.;) Now He is molding me into His beautiful bride and for the first time ever I don't day dream about my Prince Charming. Instead, I am already living my dream with my Prince of Peace! I mean, come on girls... If you want a marriage that feels like the honeymoon is never over, make yourself the bride of Jesus Christ. This is one love that will never grow dull; He will keep the fire burning as long as I remain faithful to Him. And the wonderful thing is, if I make a mistake (and I will, though that is not an excuse to intentionally do so) He will continue to show me love as long as I keep my arms open to Him. What an AWESOME God we serve!

God has revealed all of my ugly side to me one-by-one lately. I'm sure there's still a lot left for me to see too. But I dare to say, "bring it on!" for I am excited about what my Abba is doing in me. Through every humiliating moment I have learned to like myself more than I ever did before. I didn't even realize how much I hated myself until recently. I'm still not content with who I am, I want to be better for God! In my previous relationship I knew that my boyfriend was happy with the way I looked and he never complained about me; all I ever received were very sweet compliments. But he made me want to be even better because I wanted to be as beautiful for him as he deserved me to be. That is how I feel about God now. I know that He is happy with me, but I'm not done trying to better myself. I don't want to stop until I am as beautiful as I can possibly be for the one who deserves my love the most--my Lord.

I am so in love, and this time I know I'm in a stable relationship. One that I don't ever have to worry about falling apart or being desserted. One that I can rest safely in the arms of. I've never felt more committed in my life. I love you, Lord.