Times have been so tough for me lately. I'm really not wanting to sit here and pity myself, but it has been so hard to get through each minute of every day. I've always been a firm believer in quality family time, and part of me still is. But lately, family has been leaving such a bitter taste in my mouth that it's hard for me to value it like I used to. I'm not just talking about with my own blood, but with other's who pretended to take me and Gabe in and love us like their own family. But when I need my family the most, where is everybody? People have turned their backs or just simply not cared; my own family and the ones I adopted and loved very deeply. I am literally left standing alone with my son and my foundation--my God. So on top of trying to find my own way, I have been struggling to walk this path literally all alone. I'm telling you, for those of you who have so much love and support in your life, cherish the moments. I thought my life was filled with love and in the snap of a finger, it quickly dissapeared. I have learned a valuable lesson in trusting other people rather than God. He quickly showed me that no man/woman can be trusted, not even the most devout christian. So even through this pain, I am very excited to be building a stronger relationship with my Lord and Savior than I've ever experienced in my life! My faith has always been shaky, probably because I depended on other people/sinners to carry me through. But now, my faith rests solely in God and He is the one carrying me.
My dilemma, however, is where do I go from here? I really don't feel like I can or should remain living where I'm at now. With all of the other stands I've made lately, my living arrangements are holding me back from being able to move forward both financially and especially emotionally. I'm really afraid that if I remain in this position I will find myself taking two steps back instead of two steps forward. It is all negative, negative, negative around me. I feel the walls closing in on me so tightly and God is the only thing keeping me from snapping. Seriously. I do not want to make any decisions that aren't led by God so I need a lot of prayer for clarity because at the moment, every option seems impossible and it's getting rather confusing. I hate having to live a life where I have to go hide every weekend and let other people take care of me and my son, but staying at the house is not an option for me right now and I can't afford to live on my own at this point. I feel like I am a failure and a regret to everyone I knew, loved, and trusted yet I know that God is happy with me and continuing to lead me in the right direction.
One thing God has definitely made clear for me is church. I checked out the Career 2 class at McGregor today and I loved it. Me being as shy as I am in a situation like that, I sat alone and didn't really talk to almost anyone but I listened intently to Gerald's message. Then I overheard the girl sitting right behind me talking about how she just made it into the nursing program at Edison. I wanted to turn around and talk to her, but I got too nervous. But at closing time, Gerald had us all get into small groups for closing prayer and she was in my group, so I brought up the nursing program to her then. It was nice to find someone with something small in common, even though I did NOT make it into the nursing program (I was still very happy for her). After prayer, we got to talking and I discovered she was one of the other single mom's that Cary had been telling me about. So then we had something greater in common! She walked with me to the sanctuary for the sermon and sat with me. The whole time we shared some of our testimony to each other, and it was so nice to have a lady friend who understood a lot of where I am coming from. I sent her a friend request on facebook, so hopefully she will end up reading this and know how much of a blessing she was to me today.:) She has a beautiful daughter right around Gabe's age, so perhaps the Lord will allow a nice friendship to grow between ALL of us. It is times like these that God keeps me reminded of his presence and that He is still guiding me and will never leave me. I love my Heavenly Father so much!
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." 2 Corinthians 4:8-10
BROKEN
Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there is healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin)
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
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