To cut straight to the point and put it bluntly, I've been struggling with harboring a lot of bitterness in the spiritual aspect of my life, which is what I do most of my writing on. More specifically, I've tried yet again to turn my back on God and do things my own way. FORTUNATELY, my faith is too strong to allow me to stay comfortable with my back turned on Him. UNFORTUNATELY, I always make mistakes that I end up regretting before I wise up and surrender to God. Back and forth, back and forth; it's like I'm bipolar (I'm not really, I promise). But then a very dear friend of mine reminded me that people throughout the Bible have struggled with the same things that I have, including the wavering back and forth part. But I know that I can't use my hardships in life as an excuse to continue living in sin.
"When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death... My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you... If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:13-27
Over the past few months I've tried to force myself into the new attitude that I'm "taking a break from religion." I've been very selfish. Reflecting on my life, especially in the past year or two, I've been hurt in more ways than I could have imagined. I allowed my hurt to turn into anger and eventually I let my anger affect my relationship with God as well as people I love very dearly. Who I am and what I write in these blogs is not fake; this is April Fontaine. It's no excuse but when I get to a point where I feel overwhelmed and completely alone in the world, as some have pointed out I've only given part of my faith to God and kept the rest of it invested in myself. That's why I keep following this repetition--I have yet to truly give God 100% full control over my life. 99% is not good enough. Instead, when months pass by and I'm still struggling to make it through life each day, I start taking it personal that the Lord doesn't love me.
That's how I've felt for a while. I convinced myself, or should I say, I allowed Satan to deceive me into thinking that the Lord does not care about me, that He is ashamed of me, and/or that He no longer hears my prayers. Finally, I reached a point where I felt like I was wasting my time on something (or someone) who didn't really care, so I decided to start taking matters into my own hands. I began building walls between myself and other people, but most importantly between me and God. I started distancing myself from loved ones, friends and family alike, whom I knew would try to preach to me, and I tried really hard to numb my heart towards the Holy Spirit. Instead of letting God heal the hurt in me I started creating my own defense mechanism: if I don't care about anything then I can't get hurt by anything anymore. However, much to my surprise, the only person I'm fooling is myself because it is impossible for me to successfully stop caring... about myself, about the people I love, and especially about my walk with God. (Just a side note, throughout all of this one thing has remained the same: my love for Gabe. I would never attempt to stop caring about the one good thing that God has blessed me with in my life!)
So here I sit, still in love with my Lord and Savior and seeking his forgiveness and mercy over the attitude that I've had for the past few months. It's funny how satan can make me believe that the Lord does not love me, but when I am fallen to my knees asking for God's forgiveness I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and even though there is still pain in my heart I can feel the joy that only God brings me being rekindled inside. I pray it reaches a point where the flame grows strong enough that it squelches all of the trials and tribulations I've struggled through.
"For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again..." Proverbs 24:16 I love the saying, "when you fall off your horse you have to get back on." It is so true. It may not be easy getting back into the saddle but it will always be worth the effort in the end. Why choose to walk alone when you have the option of being carried? In this case, the horse would be our Heavenly Father.
I am such a hard headed person, which some may say is a good thing. But it can be a stumbling block for me ever so often. If things aren't going the way I think they need to go I start taking matters into my own hands and trying to get them done. Anyone who knows me pretty well is probably laughing and shaking their head in agreement as they read this. It's a weakness of mine and it's something I need prayer for. I need to stop trying to control my life, even a small fraction of it. I need to start giving it ALL to God; every single aspect of it. I don't have any of the right answers but God does, if I would just be still and listen to Him.
So far, what I've done is tried to control my own life but got angry with God when my plan fell apart. Can anyone find the problem with that?
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen... Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Ephesians 4:29, 31
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who does it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:18-20
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18
