ANONYMOUS

This blog is for you, my #1 fan... I have had you on my mind ever since this weekend. I don't think you realize how much I love you, and how much my heart cries out for you. I see your tears. I know you hate to see me hurting, and just the same I hate to see you hurting. I see years of pain buried deep inside of you that I want so badly to fix. You are my sister, you have been there my entire life. Not too many people know me like you know me and not too many people can understand your pain like I understand you. I love you and I want to take away the damage that has been done but I am at a loss for words. Still, I will try my best to speak the Lord's words, not my own.
I know you believe in Jesus as your Savior and I know you know about God's love, but do you know about His forgiveness? Do you know that He DOES love you? Do you know that He has forgiven me of all my sins and He will forgive you too? I want you to forget about choosing to be lukewarm, hot, or cold. Get that sermon out of your head. My sister, you have made many wonderful choices in your life too. We all stumble, we all have our weaknesses, and we all struggle with surrendering our lives to God. But that is why Jesus had to die on the cross for us; we NEEDED someone to save us because our sin's were too great for us to carry on our own. God knows this, He knows your deepest secrets; He knows more than your husband knows about you, and He still loves you more than your husband could ever love you. He wants you to trust Him. Our God is not a hateful God, He longs to have the life that He created be saved. Therefore, He does not make it an obstacle coarse in order for us to obtain salvation. It's very clean cut and easy. With faith the size of a mustard seed, the Lord will save anyone with a willing heart.
"For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God's one and only Son." John 3:17-18
I know you believe, it is very obvious. You wouldn't be hurting so much if you did not believe. You have been made to feel as though you need to live a perfect life FIRST in order to be saved, I was made to feel that way too. But my sister, God showed me that I can not come close to perfection until AFTER I am saved and place my faith in Him. Even then, you know I am definitely not a perfect Christian but I strive to be more and more, day by day. No man, no relative, no pastor can judge you. They have no rule under God to tell you if you are saved or not. Only God has that authority. But we can counsel one another and encourage each other to lift our hearts up to Jesus.
"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you, who are you to judge your neighbor?" James 4:12
The Lord does not judge our actions as much as he judges our heart.
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts." Psalm 139:23
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23
You are all of those things; I see your fruits and I believe God see's them too. God knows your heart, my sister. He knows what you truly desire, where your heart finds peace, and it is NOT His will for you to feel unworthy to come before Him. Technically, we are all unworthy of His love but that is the awesomeness of our Lord and Savior, that even a murderer could turn to Him and be saved. Amen. If that is true, then you are definitely nothing short of being saved and to be perfectly honest, I do not know that you haven't already been saved. Only the Lord knows. But what I do know is that UNINTENTIONALLY you have been made confused just as I was for many years. That does not come from God, He is NOT the author of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). Our Father in Heaven does not want you to be confused about His love for you, He wants you to open up to Him and see that He does love you and He does care about every little thing you go through in life. He wants to laugh with you, be joyful with you for your beautiful children, be the shoulder you cry on in times of need, and He wants to answer your prayers. His love is the greatest love you could ever know and you are just as capable of experiencing it as I have been.
I hope that this blog finds happiness in your heart. It is never my intention to burden you more, but to help you carry your burdens. I just love you so much and it breaks my heart to see you the way you were the other night, but I understand how much pain and confusion there is behind each tear. I've been there before, and I can tell you there is so much relief on the other side. Nobody is telling you that you have to change your life, your actions, etc. That is between YOU and GOD. If you put your faith in Him, He is faithful to give you the convictions you need in your own heart. You will not be able to miss them, He will make them evident. And likewise, He will shape your heart to WANT to hear His convictions. But it is not up to anyone, including yourself, to decide what is right and what is wrong for your salvation. That is something that comes from God with a growing heart. It is not fair for anyone to expect you to change immediately, and I'm not sure that there is much you need to change at all; you are a wonderful person. Again, let God be the judge of that. He will not lead you astray.
I do not want to force God upon you and I will not. But you know that I love you and I am here for you. If ever you want to talk, even if hurts to talk about it, it is good to have a friend to let it go to. You know I am here no matter what you need. I am grateful for all that you've been to me, and I pray that I can return at least half of the favors you've done for me. I love you and I hope you don't mind that this blog is for you.

---

UNTITLED HYMN
by Chris Rice

Weak and wounded sinner
Lost and left to die
O, raise your head, for love is passing by
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus
Come to Jesus and live!

Now your burden's lifted
And carried far away
And precious blood has washed away the stain, so
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus
Sing to Jesus and live!

And like a newborn baby
Don't be afraid to crawl
And remember when you walk
Sometimes we fall...so
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus
Fall on Jesus and live!

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
Cry to Jesus and live!

O, and when the love spills over
And music fills the night
And when you can't contain your joy inside, then
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus
Dance for Jesus and live!

And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!

He Is The Same Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Yesterday was a good day. I had a chance to chat with Drew over the phone for the first time in a few weeks. It was great to hear some of his stories about Guatemala. He shared one very cool experience with me that I won't go into detail about but it kept playing in my mind throughout the rest of the day. Then, last night I had dinner with some new friends whom I am very grateful God has placed in my life. I also was blessed to have one of my old best friends there, Rachel, and it was wonderful getting to see her again for the first time in years!

We spent most of last night sharing each other's testimonies. The conversation went so well that we moved our dinner party from Moe's to Blackhawk for some coffee. There were some really cool stories shared and all of the people I talked to yesterday left me with some things to think about. God really spoke to my heart.

The greatest impact that yesterday's encounters left me with were how awesome it is the way that God plants people in our lives for specific reasons. It really isn't a small world; it's God's power that leads us to different people. If there is something that needs to change in your life you can count on God putting whomever or whatever is necessary there to guide you. I'm not saying I believe EVERY person we come in contact with is led to us by God because the Bible tells us to abstain from all appearances of evil, so obviously there are things/people that did not cross our paths from God. However, He has the power to turn bad things into good, too. Marrying my ex husband may not have been the best idea but I wouldn't have my beautiful son if I hadn't made that choice. Was it God who led me to marry him? I don't think so. In fact, I believe I deliberately disobeyed God by getting married when I did and to whom I did, but the Lord was able to take something wrong in my life and use it for the better. I probably wouldn't be where I'm at in my walk with the Lord if I did not have Gabe. He was my turning point.

The problem is, sometimes we try to force people to fit certain positions in our life when that isn't always God's intentions. I'm going to use a bold example, and I hope nobody minds because I mean this with sincerity... I know without a doubt that God brought Drew back into my life for a reason. He was definitely working behind the scenes in my life through Drew, but on the surface we didn't really wait for God to guide us. At this point, I'm not going to say whether I believe God's will was for us to be in a relationship. It could very well be that He brought Drew into my life just as a friend, and our feelings for each other were simply our fleshly desires. But one thing I do know is that I would still be lost and confused about the Truth if the Lord had not brought Drew my way, again. I learned a lot through him that was necessary to bring me where I needed to be. For that, I will ever be grateful.

Last night also opened up my eyes to how much God is always with me. Not that I didn't already know that, but it was one of those surreal moments where you can feel his presence. For the past two months, I've felt so alone. Literally in the snap of a finger, I lost everybody that was close to me. I didn't quite understand it because it all happened at the same time that I started putting more effort into my walk with God. It had been very hard for me, having no one to really open up to anymore. I began having some pretty severe anxiety attacks, I was struggling hard to keep my patience with Gabe, etc. But I wasn't going to let Satan win the battle. I wasn't going to let this feeling of abandonment force me to abandon my God yet again. And Christ kept me reminded that He loved me through it all and that He would never leave my side. Because of my faithfulness, God replaced the emptiness in my heart with new friends. Technically, some of them are old friends renewed. I've only known most of them for a few weeks and already I feel a bond with them. The fellowship I have with these people have been such a help for me to pull out of my depression and keep me encouraged. They genuinely care about me, and I can't begin to tell you how much I needed that. God searched my heart, He knew what I needed, and He was faithful to bring it to me. I long to be His faithful servant for all of eternity. Amen.

With God, there is no void!

Okay, so here it is; the blog I wasn't going to post yesterday. But there's a twist on it from what I was going to write originally. However, I want to clarify ahead of time that I don't mean this to come across selfish, prideful, or anything of that sort. In fact, some of you might find through what I'm about to write that I've come a long way from who I was before and it is only by the grace of God who is the one transforming my heart to set higher standards for myself.

I WANT:

*To watch love grow between me and a friend, not to pursue a man I just met.
*To be respected and to learn to respect a man more.
*To have a man who will take time out to study the word and pray with me so we can grow spiritually together.
*To be equally yoked.
*Someone who will do service for others and go on mission trips with me.
*To be admired for the woman I am on the inside, not on the outside.
*To get out and do things! Reserving money is essential, but quality time is important too. And that's not just sitting in the living room doing nothing all day.
*Someone who is truly committed and once I am made a priority in their life, I will remain in that spot never allowing other worldy things to come before me.
*A man who will not take advantage of my son's love. His love is one of the greatest blessings in life; not one to be tampered with.
*Someone who will walk with me even when I make mistakes, understanding that they make mistakes as well and I will continue to walk by their side too.
*A man who wants to share his life with me and not replace me with new and exciting things that come his way.
*A humble man.
*Someone who isn't afraid to love me and knows he can trust me.
*A Spiritual Leader.
*A man who will some day love me as Christ loved the Church.
*A man who will help me raise my son/children with the same values and morals that I believe in, understanding that the example they set is the strongest influence they could have on the child.
*A man who will still look into my eyes with so much love and admiration 10 years after being together.
*Someone who is beyond the stage of "finding themselves;" someone who already knows what they want in life so they know 100% for sure whether me and my son fit in their life BEFORE letting us in.
*Someone who means it when he says "forever."
*Someone who doesn't lose faith in us and always fights for our relationship along with me, no matter how challenging it may get.
*Someone who understands me when I'm happy and even when I'm upset, and doesn't try to make me feel guilty every time I'm hurt or provoke me to be even more upset.
*A man who will always keep open communication with me, so that I can learn how to give him what he needs from me better.
*Support and encouragement.
*Someone who lifts me up in prayer every day, throughout the day on his own, free will.
*A loyal man.
*Someone who doesn't let distance break us.
*Someone who values the family God gave him.

I *DON'T* WANT:

*A boyfriend right now.
*To be bombarded with text messages from a guy I just met.
*To be told how gorgeous a guy thinks I am every time I talk to them.
*A man to use my son as a way to get to my heart. I allowed that to happen once, never again. It's actually a turn off to me now.
*Someone willing to break my son's heart in order to save himself from heartache.
*A man who says one thing but does the other.
*Someone who holds grudges.
*A man with too much pride for himself.
*Someone who won't even try to hear what I'm saying to them; shuts me out.
*To be treated as a piece of meat.
*To have to compete for his attention.
*A man who drinks, not even socially.
*Anyone who thinks "boys will be boys" is an okay motto to live by.




.... I might add to the lists as time moves on. I'm really excited about this time I'm spending with God! He's helping me to see the woman I am and the woman I want to become. My cousin Heather thinks I have already started the book I want to write with these blogs.:) I love you, Heather!

Low Hopes to High Hopes in 5.7 seconds!!

It's awesome how God works! This morning I was driving to church in a not-so-good mood, contemplating writing a blog when I got home that would entail some negative emotions I've been dealing with. But before Sunday School was even over my spirits were lifted again! God knew my heart, He knew what I needed, and He fulfilled that for me as soon as I gave it over to Him. I can not encourage everybody enough to call on God for EVERYTHING and He will never leave your side. He is the one eternal love you will ever know; the only unfailing love in this world.

It's been a pretty hard week for me. I have been doing really good lately staying strong but my weaknesses showed through a little by the middle of this week. I need to go through that sometimes, though, to keep me humble and mindful of the fact that I'm only human and I'm going to have my moments of failure. Just because I'm growing closer to God more and more does not mean that I am God, nor will I ever be. I still need HIM to pull me through the hard times.

I know this is short today, but that's all I've got right now. I don't feel like sharing what I was going to write this morning anymore. It wasn't bad but it's just not weighing on my heart like it had been. Maybe I'll write about it some other time but for now, I'm going to take advantage of my sleeping son and take a nap myself.:)

You Captured My Heart Again

6/17/2008 - i came across this in my journal tonight and wanted to share it.

"In your eyes I see admiration for a woman I could hardly recognize if it weren't for the way you love me. This blessed feeling beyond happiness fulfills my desire for living life one breath at a time with my best friend to hold my hand and reassure me that any trial can be overcome, and to remind me that my life will never have to be empty again. This lack of fear for a pain that kills worst than a murderer is absent from my mind, soul, and the heart that beats for your love so true. I will never have to hesitate the words "I Love You"-- they will always flow out of my mouth easier than any song I've ever sung. And my prayers will remain fervently on our walk, that we'll some day join together in one life bigger than any world I could have drawn in my own mind. Our life together will have no ending for it starts with a beautiful beginning and only stops when you lay down the pen and paper. You are forever the author of my love story."

......I still feel this way for you Lord, but deeper!

A Love/Hate Relationship

This is a topic that everyone can relate to: Hate.

I am a true believer that God gave us our emotions so we shouldn't be ashamed to use them. However, all things should be done in moderation, otherwise our emotions will get the best of us. I'm not going to speak for anyone else but I have found in my own experience that typically when I have a problem with someone God draws me closer to them than further away. The reason, I believe, is because it is not God's will for us to have issues with each other and as one of His children, God has taught me a valuable lesson with that many, many times. Whether the people around us are Christian or not, Christ tells us to love everyone including our enemies ("You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:43-44). This doesn't always mean that we have to be buddies with them, but showing them love and peace is our duty as God's children. I know of quite a few people whose best friends started out as one of their greatest enemies! How did that happen? The answer is when one person eventually broke the pattern of hatred and began showing kindness. When we tear down the wall between ourselves and our enemy, it allows God to do some amazing things in our lives!

This is not an easy task to complete. When someone has wronged us, it is our flesh to tear them down and make them hurt worse than they hurt us. Not only that, but often times it can become dangerous for us to get close to our enemies. Some people should be kept at a distance if their influences are negative for us. So how do we love our enemies at the same time that we guard our hearts from them? The key is in Matthew 5:44, where it says to PRAY for those who persecute you. Prayer is more powerful than any emotion we could feel, including hatred. It is the key to every step we take in life. It can change your life completely. Prayer is amazing! I challenge you to pray for someone you are struggling to like as a person, at least for a week, and see what wonders God can do in your own heart.

In a generation where divorce is so common, there also lies a lot of bitterness; a lot of hurt that causes anger and hatred. If you are a friend on my facebook, you have witnessed that I STILL struggle with bitterness in my heart from time to time. But the day that I let my guard down and began praying for my ex husband, God made His presence known to me. I found myself more at peace with the pain I had gone through, I stopped picking fights and playing into his instigation's. Now I pray for him every day, especially when my anger is at its peak. And through that prayer, God has helped me to stop looking at him as the enemy and more as someone who needs a lot of prayer from me. As a mother, I am provoked even more to hate certain people who have hurt my son, but ONLY by the grace of God have I found peace to pray for those people and show them love instead.

There is one person in this world who has hurt me more than anyone will ever understand. My fleshly desire is to stay as far away from them as possible. But the more I try to avoid them, the more God seems to keep putting them in my path. So just recently I stopped focusing on what this person did to me and started lifting them up in prayer. It seems like they are sincerely changing their life around, which at one point in my life could have made me hate them even more. But now, with God's peace it comforts my heart to know that this person is changing their life and I hope that some day I will see them in Heaven. I understand now that God has the power to change any person and who am I to stand in the way of that? What kind of a Christian would I be to cause a stumbling block for someone whom God is working on?

Whenever my skin begins to boil, one way God humbles me is by reminding me of all of the people I've hurt too. We're all guilty of it. Even the most laid back, compassionate person has broken some hearts in their lifetime. Can we stand feeling justified in hating someone for hurting us when we are guilty of hurting people ourselves? Going back to Matthew 5, verses 23 and 24 tell us how we should make amends with our brother's before coming to God. We can't live with bitterness in our hearts and say we are living as Christians at the same time. We can't serve other people in Christ's name when we know that we are hurting other people at the same time. It is our duty to make it right, not God's. He gives us the peace that we need in our hearts but He calls US to take the action. Verse 33 says that we must keep the oaths we have made to the Lord. One of the greatest vows we make just in becoming a true Christian, is the love we are to share with the rest of this world... even our enemies. Not just the people who are easy to love, for there is no gain in that (vs. 46-47). Like I said, from my experience God draws me closer to the people I would love to hate. Clearly this is a good sign that He is moving in me. I do not want to fail, I want to be an example of God's love.

What hurts me more than anything is seeing fellow brothers and sisters in Christ have issues with each other. If we can't even get along with one another, how do we expect to be an example for the rest of the world? We are all God's children which makes us a family. In fact, we are to be more of a family than the worldy parents, siblings, cousins, etc. that God gave us. We need to lay aside all pettiness and focus on the bigger picture: GOD.

"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." Matthew 5:9

Searching For Love In All The Wrong Places

Church was amazing today, and that's putting it lightly. God is definitely moving in my life as well as a lot of other people around me. I am so happy to finally be finding my own place in a church family. During the sermon, Gerald played "Oh, How He Loves" while a group of people took turns holding up cardboard signs with their testimonies written on them. On one side, they wrote the trials they went through and they would flip the signs to show how God transformed their lives. Some of the testimonies made mine seem so puny, but I know every testimony is unique. There were definitely very few dry eyes in the church and if you know the size of McGregor Baptist, you know that's saying a lot. Well after that moving sermon and some of the great conversations I had with my new friends today, I was inspired to write this blog.

Someone asked me at lunch what I dreamed of doing when I grew up. Of course like most kids, my ambitions would change from time to time. I wanted to be a singer, a fireman, and a physical therapist, etc. But there were only two dreams I ever took seriously and they were, 1) to be a missionary, write a book, and adopt a baby all in Africa, and 2) to be a house wife and a mommy. Without going into too much detail, my first dream was torn down by some people when I was very young and I was told not to pursue that dream. It hasn't been until recently that it was placed back on my heart, so we'll see. It could forever remain a dream of mine or parts of it could some day happen. But my second dream is a whole different case. I was definitely encouraged to follow that one and I wanted nothing more than to have my own family some day. After I graduated from highschool I didn't take going to college seriously because I didn't want a career; I wanted a family! So I pursued that dream and by age 19, I was already married and on the road to success.... or so I thought. Most of you should know by now how that story ended; I'm now a divorced, single mom.

Sometimes our dreams aren't out of reach, and sometimes they line up perfectly with God's plans for us. But that doesn't always mean that we're going about it in the right way. God may have always planned for me to be a housewife with a loving marriage and beautiful children, but instead of seeking His direction I decided to forge the waters on my own and ended up sinking. Every relationship I've been in has ended up that way. Not every relationship was bad, but my lack of faith in God was. I have never allowed God to lead me into a relationship, I've always forced it to happen on my own. Even if it was God who brought the man into my life, I didn't wait for His time and purpose and because of that I wasn't fulfilled in the relationship. I would end up making mistakes and/or the relationship would take a nose dive and I'd always walk away with more heart ache than before.

A month ago, during one of the many times that I have prayed for God's direction in my life, I came to a realization. I could either continue in this pattern for the rest of my life and find myself in and out of broken relationships which I never want for my son, or I could finally give up and let God have full control. I decided I was going to pick the latter. Since then, God has opened my eyes to how much I turned to men for security in my life instead of going to Him. ESPECIALLY after I had my son and was afraid to walk through life as a parent alone. I still have my moments of fear, but my faith is definitely strengthening and for the first time I enjoy not relying on a man to make me feel sure of where my life is going. So on the day that I made my choice to give it all to God, I also made a vow to Him. I'm going to go at least the next 6 months not dating. That doesn't mean God couldn't bring the right man into my life during that time, or that He hasn't already done so. I don't know and I'm not going to worry about it. I am fine with growing in friendships with both men and women, but I'm not going to focus on anything more. And if the right man does come along, then he will wait for me.

I realized that in order for God to prepare me as the wife I want to some day be, whether I am stay-at-home or not, I first need to make myself a more beautiful bride for Christ. So I call these 6 months my Honeymoon with Christ. This is my time to focus on my relationship with Him and only Him. Ironically, I made my vow on July 1st so the technical end date would be January 1st (New Years!) but that doesn't mean that come January 2nd I'm going to cut back on my relationship with Christ to make room for a man. In fact, God could put it on my heart to extend my commitment. I'm just letting God guide my heart and from now on, the man is going to have to take the back seat.

Just because I made this vow doesn't mean it's been smooth sailing so far. In fact, until this past week I really wanted to forget it. But the longer I stick to it, the stronger I am and the more the rest of my life seems to improve as well. I'm very excited to see where God takes me in the next 6 months, 5 years, 10 years, etc. Another single mom from sunday school and I were talking about how all we ever wanted was a family and now here we are, raising children alone. But we've come to a point in our lives where we are content with whatever God holds for our future. If His will is for me to stay single for the rest of my life, I will continue to love Him faithfully and trust in Him.

When you seem to find yourself in a constant state of dissapointment over something specific in your life, stop trying to fix it and give it to God.

---

LOOKIN FOR LOVE
by Out of Eden (old school)

Your heart is broken and your wondering
what you can do to ease the hurt and pain you feel
your letting these no ones get in closer
than they need to 'cus your lookin' for love
oh i've got a feeling that no one's told you
no one has bothered at all to give you what you need
so your out searching for someone to hold on to
but you don't know it's right here if you'd only see

CHORUS:
lookin for love in all the wrong places
just to find someone who can erase the hurt
and if u could you'd get a potion
the love of God goes deeper than an ocean
lookin for love u know that i can show you
cus' what i've found goes on and on and on
and u never have to worry about it being gone

your on your own now, doing your own thing
say you don't need nobody's help to make it through
but your really waisting your time and your still lonely
and you know that your gonna find
that your only left more empty then you were before
oh but i'm tellin you you don't have to look around
let me tell you bout the love that i have found
everything that your heart needs, it's just right here
right here waiting
no you don't have to look no more
real love is knocking on your door
everything that your soul needs, it's just right here
right here waitin for you

(CHORUS)

RAP:
now there's puppy love and crushes, such as girl meets boe
going out and do you like me, check yes or no
well i was looking for love in the deepest of all places
though i found it on a 2-way street lifted in spaces
the status of a broken heart eternity while the phony one love is blind
I'm fallin it while i'm bumin' into hurdles since i got most all love
and we can feel it in this presence God is closer than close
why try to reach him long distance

oh my friend i'm tellin you
i've been there myself a time or two
when i was just running round
to find peace for my heart
when it's been broken down
there's somthing that you need to see
the one who made u loves you please believe
it's all you need to get by
and you know you're somebody
so tell me why your

(CHORUS)