I'm Back!

"April, where have you been?!" ...I know, I know. Over the past few months I've been silent with my blogging...

To cut straight to the point and put it bluntly, I've been struggling with harboring a lot of bitterness in the spiritual aspect of my life, which is what I do most of my writing on. More specifically, I've tried yet again to turn my back on God and do things my own way. FORTUNATELY, my faith is too strong to allow me to stay comfortable with my back turned on Him. UNFORTUNATELY, I always make mistakes that I end up regretting before I wise up and surrender to God. Back and forth, back and forth; it's like I'm bipolar (I'm not really, I promise). But then a very dear friend of mine reminded me that people throughout the Bible have struggled with the same things that I have, including the wavering back and forth part. But I know that I can't use my hardships in life as an excuse to continue living in sin.

"When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death... My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you... If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:13-27

Over the past few months I've tried to force myself into the new attitude that I'm "taking a break from religion." I've been very selfish. Reflecting on my life, especially in the past year or two, I've been hurt in more ways than I could have imagined. I allowed my hurt to turn into anger and eventually I let my anger affect my relationship with God as well as people I love very dearly. Who I am and what I write in these blogs is not fake; this is April Fontaine. It's no excuse but when I get to a point where I feel overwhelmed and completely alone in the world, as some have pointed out I've only given part of my faith to God and kept the rest of it invested in myself. That's why I keep following this repetition--I have yet to truly give God 100% full control over my life. 99% is not good enough. Instead, when months pass by and I'm still struggling to make it through life each day, I start taking it personal that the Lord doesn't love me.

That's how I've felt for a while. I convinced myself, or should I say, I allowed Satan to deceive me into thinking that the Lord does not care about me, that He is ashamed of me, and/or that He no longer hears my prayers. Finally, I reached a point where I felt like I was wasting my time on something (or someone) who didn't really care, so I decided to start taking matters into my own hands. I began building walls between myself and other people, but most importantly between me and God. I started distancing myself from loved ones, friends and family alike, whom I knew would try to preach to me, and I tried really hard to numb my heart towards the Holy Spirit. Instead of letting God heal the hurt in me I started creating my own defense mechanism: if I don't care about anything then I can't get hurt by anything anymore. However, much to my surprise, the only person I'm fooling is myself because it is impossible for me to successfully stop caring... about myself, about the people I love, and especially about my walk with God. (Just a side note, throughout all of this one thing has remained the same: my love for Gabe. I would never attempt to stop caring about the one good thing that God has blessed me with in my life!)

So here I sit, still in love with my Lord and Savior and seeking his forgiveness and mercy over the attitude that I've had for the past few months. It's funny how satan can make me believe that the Lord does not love me, but when I am fallen to my knees asking for God's forgiveness I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and even though there is still pain in my heart I can feel the joy that only God brings me being rekindled inside. I pray it reaches a point where the flame grows strong enough that it squelches all of the trials and tribulations I've struggled through.

"For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again..." Proverbs 24:16 I love the saying, "when you fall off your horse you have to get back on." It is so true. It may not be easy getting back into the saddle but it will always be worth the effort in the end. Why choose to walk alone when you have the option of being carried? In this case, the horse would be our Heavenly Father.

I am such a hard headed person, which some may say is a good thing. But it can be a stumbling block for me ever so often. If things aren't going the way I think they need to go I start taking matters into my own hands and trying to get them done. Anyone who knows me pretty well is probably laughing and shaking their head in agreement as they read this. It's a weakness of mine and it's something I need prayer for. I need to stop trying to control my life, even a small fraction of it. I need to start giving it ALL to God; every single aspect of it. I don't have any of the right answers but God does, if I would just be still and listen to Him.

So far, what I've done is tried to control my own life but got angry with God when my plan fell apart. Can anyone find the problem with that?

Footprints in the Sand

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.

In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.

This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Mary Stevenson, 1936

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen... Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Ephesians 4:29, 31

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who does it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:18-20

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19

"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18

Confusion

I want to clarify for some people that when I talk about my past "negative" encounters with Christians I am not referring to the Church family I grew up in; I am referring to individuals from all over my life, not all from the same congregation. I love the Church family that I was raised in very much and consider myself blessed to have them in my life; they played a very large role in making me the woman I am today (the good side of me, not including the mistakes I've made) and anyone who knows me well enough knows and understands my love for my family by now. So when I talk about the past, please know that I don't mention names for a reason. It's not to have my readers jump to conclusions and assume they know who I'm talking about. Chances are most people are wrong about who they assume I'm referring to. I keep names out to respect privacy. But it needs to be understood that I do not write a blog unless I am convicted to do so, thus the reason I haven't blogged in a few months which I'll get to in my next post. I am not exaggerating when I say that there have been MANY people who've expressed how helpful, inspirational, and spiritually encouraging my blogs have been for them. Those are the people God puts on my heart to write for and I will not deny those convictions. However, there have been a few viewers who have understandably but mistakenly took offense to what I wrote. Unfortunately, these people weren't even mentioned in my blog and I never meant anything even slightly to be directed towards them.
So please do me a favor, if you want to read my blogs, focus on the message I'm bringing and not who or what personal encounters I'm talking about. It's not my intention to toot my horn when I say that God has blessed me with a gift and a passion to write for others, and I do not want to deny His will for me. I consider these blogs a part of my ministry and therefore, it is important to me that I don't write anything to intentionally hurt people. So if there are any questions or thoughts about what I write, whether they be positive or negative, PLEASE do not go to someone else about it. Chances are, I could clarify what I meant by what I wrote better than any second party could. And if I am at fault for saying something offensive then I do sincerely apologize because that is never my intention with my blogs. I only want to write about my life as a way to encourage others, never to hurt them. InGodsHands8506@gmail.com Please feel free to always email me with your thoughts or concerns, any time.

Scare Tactics

A couple weeks ago I ran into a young man that had just stopped going to church about a month ago. We had a good talk with each other and I got to hear the reason for why he walked away from church. I have to say, I was deeply burdened by his story...

This specific young man, who we'll call "Joe" for the sake of confusion (even though that's not his real name), lost his brother in a car accident just a few weeks ago. After Joe shared his loss with another man in church, rathing than consoling Joe the man began asking about his brother's salvation. Joe said he did not believe his brother was saved and so this man took it upon himself to explain to Joe that his brother was in hell right now. He used Joe's sorrow as an opportunity to teach a "lesson" that Hell is not where we want to end up. This man witnessed first hand the changes Joe had been trying to make in his own life as a babe in the faith. Yet, in a time where Joe (a brand new Christian) was mourning the death of his brother, his "Brother in Christ" took it upon himself to use it as a scare tactic.

Scare tactics.... what exactly is the meaning behind them and what place do they have in the Christian realm? Sure, the Bible says to fear the Lord, but with a true understanding of the word of God you would know that this doesn't mean we're supposed to live every day in fear that God could strike us with a lightening bult.

"Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord. Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly." Leviticus 19:14-15

"And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13

"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you." 1 Samuel 12:24

"He told them, 'Consider carefully what you do, because you are not judging for man but for the Lord, who is with you whenever you give a verdict. Now let the fear of the Lord be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the Lord our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery.'" 2 Chronicles 19:6-7

"For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." Psalm 86:10-12

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7

"Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:9-10

We can see in some of these verses above that our "fear" for God derives from judging fairly and carefully; walking after God and obeying His commands; loving God with all of our hearts; seeking wisdom and increasing our knowledge of the Lord. How do we accomplish all of this? By staying in the word and in prayer as often as possible. You come to know who God truly is through His word. And in my opinion, from what I've learned about God (over the past approx 20 years of studying my Bible) He is not a God who wishes for His children to tell a man in mourning that His brother is currently being tortured for his sins. Should we hold back on sharing what we believe about God? Absolutely not! I encourage every person, no matter what they believe, that if they are truly convicted in where they stand to share it! If it's truth, it needs to be heard. I am not telling anybody that they should hide their beliefs, what I am saying is that there is a time and place for everything:

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I must say, I've been deeply dissapointed in some "christians" for quite a while; some that I know personally, some that I've heard stories about. Please don't misunderstand me, I know that I am by no means a perfect Christian. In fact, compared to some of these people I am probably a greater hypocrite than they are! But one thing I am strongly convicted on is my place in judging others, and that is that it's NOT my place to judge their salvation. It's is God's position only to judge that part of a man's life. My job is not even so much to speak the word of God as much as it is to LIVE the word of God. I know that I fail at this many times, EVERY DAY to be exact. There is nobody that could be more aware of my failures than myself, other than God of course. And that is why the choices I make are between me and God, and your walk is between yourself and God. Of course I will share my passion for Christ with everyone who wants to hear it, but I try my hardest to choose the right words at the right time, and I do so by letting the Holy Spirit guide my words and not myself. I know that my tongue can be a bitter one; I have the power to cut a man (or woman) into tiny pieces if I wanted... and I won't lie, there have been times where I have. That is why it can't be me that speaks the word of God to others, but the love of God that is within me (psalm 52:4, proverbs 11:12, proverbs 12:18, proverbs 15:4, proverbs 18:21, james 1:26, james 3:5-9***KEY IS VERSE 9, 1 Pet 3:10, 1 John 3:18). This rule doesn't just apply to me, but to everyone who wants to do the will of God, including leaders.

Recently, I also heard about a pastor who told one of his members, my friend, that their personality was very dull and they were too self focused (which is far from the truth); basically, they needed a new personality. Apparently this "pastor" forgot his place, and in my opinion, set a really horrible example about the love of God for everyone around him who heard his slandering words.

I've lived almost my entire life with people watching my every move very closely, waiting for me to screw up. The moment I stumbled people would harp on me almost immediately, explaining to me what a sinner I was, and they'd begin pressuring me to start doing things the way they saw fit for me. I've been made to feel like a horrible, wretched sinner by fellow Christians who called themselves my brother's and sister's in Christ. They felt that God was the one calling them to make me feel so low about myself. I don't doubt they truly believed they were convicted by God, which just goes to show why it's very important we check our "convictions" at the door with God, for Satan can be very deceiving. I thank my Heavenly Father that He gave me a strong enough will to not let the cutting words drive deep inside of me. I have recognize that I am equally a sinner, and I have forgiven those who offended me. But there are some who don't have a strong enough will to keep such hurtful words from bringing them down and making them feel unworthy of God's love compared to others.

I know without a doubt that my strong foundation in my walk with God would not be where it's at today if I had not made some of the poor decisions that I made, or walked away from some of the people that I needed to walk away from. I'm not saying it was God who led me to start partying when I was 17 years old, or even to get married at 19 when I was not ready to be married. Those were my own, bad choices, and I've never shown any sign of trying to blame them on other people or even say that they were led by God. However, let's review human *Christian's* responses to the mistakes I've made compared to God's response (I am simply using myself as an example, but there are thousands of other Christians and even non Christians being wrongly persecuted as well):

HUMAN: "April, you are a good Christian but you're a horrible sinner. At this rate, you're going to fall off the edge of the mountain.. You are such a disrespectful and rude person who doesn't listen to anything *PEOPLE* tell you to do ((as opposed to what GOD tells me to do)). You committed a sin today, yesterday, the day before, and so on.. likewise, I committed a sin today, yesterday, and every other day of my life, but I've decided that while you're being destroyed for your sins, even though you are a born again Christian and baptized just as I am, I will get to go to Heaven and be blessed for my sins. It may not seem fair to you but it's easier for me to condemn you, April, than myself. It's easier for me to focus on your sins than my own. So instead of trying to control my own life, I'll try to control yours..." (and yes, I have been told this; I'm not exagerating. If anything, I'm repeating it in a lighter format)

GOD: "April, remember when I said: 'Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.'(Luke 7:47)--I give you, and anyone who wants it, this same promise."

If you can't tell, I feel very strongly about this subject matter. Perhaps it is because I've experienced it so often in my own life. If you haven't been judged as soarly as I or some others have been, you may not be able to understand the depth of the pain it inflicts on your life. You may think words are just words. You may even think that you're doing the will of God. If you are, how are you approaching His will? Is it with the Love of God or with your own fleshly approach? Do you allow your own emotions, your own care and concern for someone, to control your behavior in the way you reach out to them? Are you truly allowing God to direct your heart and your words? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN WAS OKAY TO TELL "JOE" THAT HIS BROTHER WAS IN HELL WHEN JOE DIDN'T ASK TO HEAR THAT, ESPECIALLY WHILE HE WAS MOURNING HIS BROTHER'S DEATH? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PASTOR HAD A RIGHT TO TELL ONE OF HIS FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS THAT THEY PRETTY MUCH LACKED A PERSONALITY?

This week I was sent an email from a friend whom I will always hold dear to me. They were concerned for me, and I could tell in the way they wrote their letter that they were nervous to say anything at all. But they did well in using love and compassion in their words rather than condemnation. Because of that, their words were able to weigh on my heart and my mind more so than any person whose ever tried to approach me with "scare tactics."

When we claim the title "CHRISTIAN," we need to follow through with its job description: being CHRIST LIKE. I don't believe this even refers to committing sins like doing drugs, gambling, etc. as much as it refers to the character we are called to develop, which includes the way we judge, treat, and speak to others. This is all I'm going to say for now. Let it rest on your heart for a while.

Do What You Will

I'm really serious, God has been putting it on my heart very strong lately to get involved in a ministry for women some how. I'm still confused about where, when... basically all of the details are unclear, but the motive is definitely there. One thing that has been weighing on me is the thought of a writing a book which would revolve around my experience as a single mom. The trials, the emotions, the challenges, and learning to give it all to God. I'm praying that if it really is the Lord putting that on my heart, He'll reveal the time and place for me to do it.
I need a lot of prayer! If this is God calling me, I trust that He will provide all that I need to do it. I need prayer for the right doors to be opened and the wrong ones shut, locked, and the key thrown away.:)
I'm so excited about what God is doing in my life! Whether I actually end up writing a book or doing whatever, I just want to shine for Jesus. That's all I care about. Honestly. No lies.
---
DO WHAT YOU WILL
by Desperation Band

You come like you promised you would
I want to surrender for good
I know that I need you
And I don't want to keep living life alone

So take my heart
and make it new
make it true
And make it like you
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're yours not mine to do
Do what you will
Do what you will
Do what you will

I feel like a blind man in you sight
I know that I'm wicked in your eyes
So wash me and make me shine like the sun
I want to tell everyone
that you're the only one

So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like you
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're yours not mine to do
Do what you will
Do what you will
Do what you will

I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what you will
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
I'm ready now
Do what you will

So take my heart
and make it new
make it true
And make it like you
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're yours not mine to do
Do what you will
Do what you will
Do what you will

Hold Me Accountable

It's so scary how quickly Satan attacks us and how verrrrry deceiving he can be at times. Literally, only a couple days after I wrote my last blog I had two separate stumbling blocks thrown at me. By stumbling blocks, I mean that they went against everything I had just written about and truly believe in my heart. Looking at them from God's point of view, I'm sure it was obvious that nothing good would come from these circumstances. However, coming from a young female's point of view, I could have easily convinced myself that it had the potential of becoming something good. And to be perfectly honest, I was close to heading down that path. That's why I am so grateful for my personal and deep relationship with God which saved me from making any more mistakes and digging myself any deeper. Just a few months ago I would have fallen over these stumbling blocks and perhaps never picked myself back up from them. My flesh looks at the situation and see's everything "wonderful" about it, but God provided me with the spiritual eyes I needed in order to see straight through the situation. I am so grateful for the Lord giving me a spirit of discernment about it AS WELL AS some great female friends to hold me accountable--God is amazing!
The thing is, every woman wants to hear a man tell her sweet things. Not that I am in any way more special than anyone else, but as a single mom, to be told, "I want to take care of you" is such a dangerous thing for me to hear. In fact, it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it because I do very much desire to have a man waltz into my life, sweep me off my feet, and tell me he WANTS to take care of me (and my son) and actually mean it. But the reality is, if he's not the man God has planned for me then his version of "taking care of me" will not line up with God's way of taking care of me, who is my ultimate provider and always will be. Every relationship I have ever been in was one where I ended up just "settling." I have yet to experience a healthy relationship and I know that the only way I will is if I wait on the Lord instead of trying to force something that I only half want into working out, until I deceive myself into believing it's what I want. Does that make sense?
Back in August, I had a very good male friend from church tell me, "You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. Don't settle! God has someone amazing planned for you." It was so encouraging to hear that; those words have stuck with me ever since we had our chat, and no, there is nothing between that man and I--he is very happily taken to one of the most beautiful Godly women I know at our church. They are a wonderful couple! The point is, women (including and especially myself) are so easily swayed by words. All the man has to know is how to say the right things to a girl and he can have a female wrapped around his finger no matter what shape, size, color, or age he is. But unless he is sincere about is words, it is manipulation. Even if it is sincere, if it's not from God then DON'T SETTLE! My male friend who spoke to me, didn't speak those kind words in order to try to win my heart over, but to encourage me in a Godly way. His words were more powerful than he probably realized, which seems to be typical for a lot of men (to not take their own words as seriously as the woman does.;)
The other day, I had a man tell me, "I believe when your heart is right your heart is right." He may not have liked my response, but I just don't agree with that statement. The heart is very deceiving. At different points I have thought my heart was right with every guy I've dated, whether it was just a fling for a few weeks or a "serious" relationship that lasted a few years.. and where are those men now? What happened to my heart being right? Turns out, it wasn't. I will never follow my heart again. In fact, any time I start to get butterflies for a man I am almost immediately scared away from the thought of it blossoming into anything. Part of that may have to do with the last heart break I went through which left a greater impact on me than even my divorce. But most of it has to do with my unwillingness to let any man get between me and God ever again. I know my own heart, my desires, my weaknesses, etc. and I have been so close with my Lord lately that I don't want ANYONE to come between that! I believe when the time is right, God will give me a peace about the right man which is why I've stated that I'm done doing the pursuing. The man will come to me, I won't go to him. Until then, I just want to keep my eyes on Jesus and learn how to overcome these stupid girly feelings better and better, whenever they begin to flare up. I don't want a man who makes the promise, "I'll take care of you." I want a man who makes the promise, "I'll lift you up to God every day, and pray that He makes me the man He has called me to be for you." In other words, I don't want a man who takes all of the credit for being my hero, but rather, gives God all of the credit for every step of our relationship.

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed." James 1:12-14

Finally, I'm so grateful to have a couple of my female friends holding me accountable over all of this. We need each other! We really do.
---
BLESS THE BROKEN ROAD
by Rascal Flatts
(the song I will some day sing for my husband)


- Rascal Flatts Lyrics

Happily Taken!

Wow.... God is so amazing! I can't openly talk about the certain situation I find myself in at this point, but I can say that it's really awesome to look back and realize that some specific encounters, experiences, and actions that took place are all coming together. At the time that I felt the Lord calling me to take action in one way or another, I had no idea it would lead up to this! But even in my blindness I put my faith in Him and I obeyed. I don't have the ability to see the future or to know whether this will end on a happy note or a sad one, but I am already at peace with knowing that I clearly heard His calling and obeyed. I believe in the power of God, I believe He can unharden hearts, I believe He can heal all wounds, and I believe He is in control of each and every one of our lives, whether we like it or not. I am so astounded by my Lord that I absolutely had to take time out from studying to write this blog. I wish that I could go into details, but for that I must wait on the Lord. All I ask is that everyone who reads this begins to pray for me, and for my family. I need patience, wisdom, discernment, strength, endurance, so on and so forth. Please, before reading any further, stop and say a prayer for me...

On a topic that is totally unrelated, it is obvious from my most recent posts that it's been pressing on my heart to share the truth with other single women about waiting on God for the right man. I've struggled with this from the time I was a young teenager to now. It still is a constant battle within my heart. Naturally, us women desire to be loved by a man and if we are christian, generally we long for that man to be a Godly one. None of this is wrong, it is how God designed us. But I would say that 9.999 out of 10 women have a tendency to take control of that desire rather than placing it in God's hands. We go searching for our "husband" rather than letting God bring Him to us. To be completely honest, I attend a church group that is full of young, attractive men. As I've grown to know most of them, I also see their hearts for God which makes them even more attractive. As typical women, I have engaged in conversation with some of the other females in our group regarding this very subject. I have never experienced a setting quite like this; where all of us females can agree that certain men are attractive, but we don't fight over them. We all understand each other, but for the most part we have peace that God will choose the right partner for us. Still, it is so important that we keep ourselves in check on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis. Are our hearts in the right place? Do we go to church to seek men or to seek God? Are we dressing ourselves up to be beautiful in the presence of the Lord or in the presence of men? I would even go as far as to ask, are we quoting scripture, serving others, raising our hands in song and worship, etc. in order to attract our Heavenly Father or a Godly man? I say "we" because I fully admit to temptations of such sorts. I wouldn't be female if I didn't fall under that category. But then I am reminded, the Lord is the true love of my life. Just because I can't see Him as easily as I can see men doesn't mean He isn't present in my life. No man could love me, protect me, provide for me, secure me, or do anything as perfectly as my Knight in Shining Armor; Jesus Christ. Every moment that my eyes are looking towards God, I have the strength to tell all the women in this world, "You can have that guy, I am perfectly happy and content with God!" Jealousy, competition, and bitterness no longer control me. I am set in God's ways. I want so badly to share this feeling with my sisters! Whenever I notice *our* eyes wandering, I want to redirect them towards God. My heart desires to begin a ministry, some how, for women. I know that if it's God putting it on my heart He will open the doors for me.

I re-read my first journal entry in my book Lady In Waiting, and I want to share it with you:

"Day 1 - June 23, 2009 - 1:30am - Location: Blairsville, GA (I was on vacation with my family)

I have always had the desire to be submissive to a Godly man in a relationship and wondered why, when it seemed I was almost at that point with a man, I suddenly lost my desire to allow him to be the head of our relationship? But now I have been shown clearly how much I lacked that same desire for God in my life. Until I can learn to be submissive to God I will never have the right heart to fully trust a man, much less to find the right man. It is all in God's hands and I have not humbled myself unto Him as I should. I still attempt to control my own life and relationships... O Lord, I pray for your love to surround me as I seek you in my life, that I might not let go this time, but only grow stronger. Knock me to my knees and sweep me off my feet completely; carry me. Humble me in your sight, Lord, and allow others to see this positive change in me and to want it for them too."

Ladies, the temptation to "size up" men in our lives will probably always be there, but with God all things are possible to overcome. Seek the Lord, and ask Him for control over your feelings and emotions. Likewise, pray for a different perspective on the men in your life. Instead of viewing all of them as potential husbands, begin to look at them as what they truly are; a son of God, our brothers. When the time is right, God will change your heart for the ONE and ONLY right man.

Choose this path: "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."Psalm 37:4

Rather than this path: "...God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things [MAN] rather than the Creator [GOD]—who is forever praised. Amen."Romans 1:24-25

A Renewed Heart Made Whole

As I've been growing more in the Lord my standards for dating have become even higher. I thought that the list I posted a few months ago was as high as it could get, but since then I've discovered more to be added to my list. It's good to refresh ourselves like this.
As usual, I was reading my new favorite book Lady In Waiting this morning, and once again, the Lord assured me that He was present in my life.

"... The issue of standards is most relevant, but may seem simplistic. We acknowledge that some women find it difficult to raise their standards and change their patterns because they are still entangled in the past. Unresolved conflicts with a father, brother, or an ex-boyfriend may overshadow and control the attraction to Bozos. In this case we suggest a possible date fast, a period of time during which you refrain from accepting another date until you can sort out some of the unresolved conflicts from the past. This method has been used by many single women who have been entangled with old dating patterns. During the "date fast," they find time to search for new ways of relating and dating biblically..."

AMEN to all of that! Although I am ahead of this paragraph (already 4 months into my dating fast and still going strong--time flies!), it was a great affirmation that I am on the right track. Likewise, it was an encouragement for me to be reminded that I am not sailing this "broken heart" ship across the waters on my own--there are plenty of other females on the ship with me (men get their own ship), and our Lord God is the captain of it. Following our Lord's course will bring us to the healing waters where our "Boaz" (rather than "Bozo") will find us. After all, we know that typically if a bunch of women were left in a boat to fend for themselves, they'd end up sinking... that same basic idea goes for women in the dating scenario. When we try to control our love life, we end up sinking. If we just let God control it we would not have to put even half of the effort into working for it as we have in our past, unhealthy relationships.

"... Do you want to marry a knight in shining armor? Then set your standards high. To be married to a man who loves the Lord and wants to serve Him is one of life's highest privileges. It is worth whatever wait, whatever cost. Nail down your convictions and refuse to compromise by dating men who are not controlled by God's Holy Spirit. These standards will stand guard over the castle of your heart. Proverbs 4:23 says, "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life..."

On that note, here is my updated list (in no particular order) [for anybody who does not have a Bible but is curious to look up these verses, go to BibleGateway.com]:


I WANT:

*To be respectfully pursued by a Godly man; I will no longer do the pursuing (the "hunt" is over). (Ruth 3:10-11)
*To watch love grow between me and a friend, not someone I just met. (Proverbs 17:17)
*To be truly loved (the "RIGHT" way) and to learn to respect a man better. (Ephesians 5:33)
*To have a man who will take time out to study the word and pray with me so we can grow spiritually together. (Matthew 18:19-20)
*To be equally yoked.(2 Corinthians 6:14-15)
*Someone who will do service for others and go on mission trips with me; he puts the needs of others ahead of his own (Philippians 2:3-4).
*A man whose life reflects the joy of the Lord rather than the burdens of being a Christian (John 15:11).
*To be admired for the woman I am on the inside, not on the outside. (1 Peter 3:2-5, 1 Sam. 16:7)
*To get out and do things! Reserving money is essential, but quality time is important too. And that's not just sitting in the living room doing nothing all day.
*Someone who is truly committed, and once I am made a priority in their life I will remain in that spot, not allowing others to come before me (not including God who must be made first in his life--see below). (Ezekiel 14:2-4)
*Someone who makes God top priority in his life, above everything and everyone, including myself... I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm emphasizing the importance of it! (Proverbs 3:6)
*A man who follows through on his God-given responsibilities (1 Corinthians 4:2).
*A man who understands the depth of feelings and emotions (Colossians 3:12).
*A man who will not take advantage of my son's love. His love is one of the greatest blessings in life; not one to be tampered with. (Matthew 18:3-4)
*Someone who will walk with me even when I make mistakes, understanding that they make mistakes as well and I will continue to walk by their side too. (Romans 3:22-24, Proverbs 17:17-18)
*A man who wants to share his life with me rather than replace me with new and exciting things that come his way. (Mark 10:7-9)
*A man of humility. (2 Chronicles 7:14, Psalm 25:9)
*Someone who isn't afraid to love me and knows he can trust me.(1 Corinthians 13:7)
*A Spiritual Leader. (Ephesians 5:22-24)
*Someone who stands for what is right, even if it's against his own friends and family with no exception for myself. He hates anything contrary to God's Holy character, including the subtle things and not just the obvious. (Romans 2:9-10)
*A man who will love me as Christ loved the Church. (Ephesians 5:25, 28-29)
*A man who will help me raise my son/children with the same values and morals that I believe in, understanding that the example they set is the strongest influence they could have on the child. (Proverbs 22:6, Ephesians 6:4)
*A man who will still look into my eyes with much love and admiration 10, 25, and 50 years after being together. (1 Corinthians 13:8,13)
*Someone who is beyond the stage of "finding themselves." That's doesn't mean they have to be set in their long-term career, sure of where they will live, or already own a house, etc--those things are led by God and could be changed at any point in a person's life. However, they must be sure that they are mature and responsible enough for a relationship before already making the commitment; in other words, he needs to be 100% sure of whether my son and I fit into his life BEFORE letting us in. I will not stand for my son's heart to be broken again. (Proverbs 20:24-25)
*Someone who means it when he says "forever." (Ecclesiastes 5:4-6)
*Someone who doesn't lose faith in us and always fights for our relationship along with me, no matter how challenging it may get. (1 Corinthians 13:7)
*Someone who doesn't try to make me feel guilty every time I'm hurt, or consciously provoke me to be even more upset. (Hebrews 10:24)
*A man who will always keep open communication with me, so that I can learn how to give him what he needs from me better. (Proverbs 18:2)
*Support and encouragement. (1 Thessalonians 5:11)
*Someone who lifts me up in prayer every day, throughout the day, and on his own, free will (not out of obligation, but out of love and true concern for my well-being). (James 5:16)
*A loyal man. (Proverbs 18:24)
*Someone who doesn't let distance or time break us, should it ever become an issue. (Genesis 31:49, Joshua 1:9)
*Someone who values the family God gave him; is content and does not look for more than what the Lord has blessed Him with. (Ecclesiastes 5:18-20)
*A man who flees temptations to compromises, and encourages me to do the same (Proverbs 25:28).
*A man who truly listens to me; demonstrates that he pays attention to my wants and needs. Whether he can provide them for me is not the point--what matters is that he cares about my life, dreams, goals, etc. just as much as his own. (1 Timothy 5:8)
*A man who will hold me accountable for my own actions, temptations, behavior, sins, etc. (Galatians 6:1-2)
*A man who accepts that I'm not a very good cook, but I try. (:
*Someone who has a true relationship with God, spending time alone with Him on a daily basis. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
*A man of prayer. (Matthew 21:21-22)
*An imperfect man who tries to be as perfect and blameless in the sight of God. (Mark 10:18, 2 Peter 3:14)
*A man who believes that "divorce" is not a word in his vocabulary. (Malachi 2:16)

I *DON'T* WANT:

*A man to use my son as a way to get to my heart, it's a turn off. (Colossians 3:22-25)
*Someone willing to break mine and my son's heart in order to save himself from heartache. (Proverbs 18:1, Philippians 2:3-4, James 3:14-16)
*A man who makes promises without fulfillment. (Psalm 15:4)
*Someone who holds grudges. (Leviticus 19:18)
*A man full of pride for himself. (James 4:6, Proverbs 8:13, Proverbs 11:2, Proverbs 13:10, Proverbs 16:18, Proverbs 21:24, Proverbs 29:23)
*To be treated as a piece of meat. (Matthew 5:28)
*To have to compete for his attention.
*A man who drinks, not even socially. (Proverbs 20:1)
*Anyone who thinks "boys will be boys" is an okay motto to live by.
*A man who pursues other women at the same time that he is pursuing me, no matter how great or small the degree of the pursuance. He's either interested in me or someone else, but he can't be interested in both/all of us. It is a sign of immaturity, insecurity, lack of trust for God, and it leaves no room for the Lord to provide answers about one woman when he sets his eyes on multiple women. This also gives me, as a woman, a warning that the man may not be faithful/loyal. To put it bluntly, this clues me in that the man could be a player and not interested in either woman for the right reason, though he may have himself deceived that leaving his options open is okay and shouldn't be offensive to any of the women involved. (Ephesians 4:17-25, 1 Thessalonians 4:2-7)
*A man who takes the Lord's name in vain, both verbally and in the way he lives his life (i.e. claims the name of Christ but does not put 100% into trying to live a Christian life). (Matthew 15:8-9)
*A man who believes He is holier than others, regardless of how long He has been in the faith or what position He holds in the church. (Mark 10:18)
*Someone who is hasty to take advice, even from family and friends, without challenging it biblically to see whether the advice is holy or destructive. In other words, a man who trusts unwise counsel even from fellow Christians, and will follow after a wolf in sheep's clothing without questioning. Obviously I understand that we all make mistakes/wrong choices, but the point is that he must be slow and careful to receiving anybody's advice no matter how "right" it may seem. (Proverbs 12:15-16, Proverbs 14:7-8&15, Proverbs 16:1-2, 8-9,&16-25, Proverbs 27:5-6, &8-14, Acts 20:28-31, Romans 16:17-18, 1 Corinthians 3:1-3, Matthew 7:15-23, Mark10:7-9)
*A man who doesn't make an effort to take time out for me; that's not to say he must spend his entire time devoted to me. However, a successful relationship requires a certain level of priority which in turn requires some invested time. (1 Peter 3:7)
*A man who shares our personal issues with all of his friends and family (Proverbs 16:28, *20:19,* Matthew 18:15)

---

I'M NOT WHO I WAS
by Brandon Heath


I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was