What a bundle of emotions 2010 has been for me, and my family!
In February, I decided to take a break from school and go back to work full time.
In March, I got a job at Hairclub and life took off from there.
By April, Gabe and I were moving into our own apartment and I was gaining my independence back. But I was also saying goodbye to the man I loved who was going back to his home country, Ireland.
Come June, my beautiful Aunt Donna passed away in England where she had lived for the last couple years of her life with her new and wonderful husband, David, who took such great care of his bride. We celebrated her life when David was able to come over with her ashes in July.
Also in July, we celebrated my handsome little boy's 4th birthday, as well as my life-long best friend Heather Shanahan (Flower's) wedding!
Come August, Gabe started school (Pre K) and I bought my new, beautiful 2009 G6 GT!
September and October were pretty quiet for the most part, with the exception of some family health issues beginning to come to light for us.
In November, I stood in the airport and watched my favorite man return to me from Ireland. That was probably the happiest moment in 2010 for me. But very shortly after his return, my Me'Me' (Grandmother) took a turn for the worst and we started losing her quickly.
December 1st, I lost one of the most treasured people in my life, my Me'Me'. She was one of my solid rocks, one of my greatest inspirations, and one of the strongest women I knew. She told me in a journal that she wrote to me ("Grandmothers Memories for Her Grandchildren") that I didn't remind her of anyone else in the family because I was my own special and unique person. Though there is some truth to that, I also believe that I had quite a bit of her and my Aunt Donna in me-- free spirited, hard headed, stubborn, and fun loving. I told my Me'Me' the night before she passed that I would come back to see her the next day. She couldn't talk but she blew me a kiss and waved goodbye as if to say, "no you won't." I thought I had one more chance to see her before we had to say goodbye, but I never did. My Me'Me' fell asleep in Jesus the next day, holding the "apple of her eye," my daddy's hand. I know I wasn't raised to believe that when you die you immediately go to Heaven, but I can feel my Me'Me' with me now. Maybe it's just that she is buried so deep in my heart that it feels like she is right here with me.
We buried my beautiful Me'Me' a week ago today, on December 5th. The very next day, my Uncle Johnny passed away in Hope Hospice. I wasn't as close to him as I was my Me'Me' and Aunt Donna, but I sure did love him so much! I actually grew closer to him in the last year of his life, and I enjoyed every minute that I got to spend with him.
My heart hurts for these losses, but it hurts even more for my family, especially Heather who flew to England to see her mom for a few days, knowing they would be her last days with her mama... she then sat by her dad's side almost every minute of his last days and was there to watch both him and our Me'Me' pass. What a strong, wonderful woman she is. This year, I lost my beloved Aunt, Uncle, and Me'Me'... but Heather and Ryan lost their beloved Mother, Father, and Me'Me'. I see the hurt in all of my family and I wish so badly that I could take it all away... just like that.
I thought I was going to have something more to write. Something long and beautiful, like most of my blogs turn out to be. But I am coming to a loss for words.
My heart is hurting with all of the pain that has gone on in the Fontaine Family, especially right at this holiday season. And yet, my heart hasn't been this happy in a long time, with my beautiful son growing into such a WONDERFUL little boy, and my handsome boyfriend by my side, who has been so good to me in these hard times. God has given me these joys in life in order to keep me from getting depressed from the rest. And I know he has done the same for the rest of my family too. We are blessed to still have each other, and we are a very strong family full of more love than most people will ever know or experience in their life. No money, wealth, or fame could ever come close to comparing to the strength and beauty in the Fontaine Family. Even when we were across the world from each other, our family stayed close. The ones we lost have helped to make our family as great as it is today and they will continue to live on in our hearts. I love you, Me'Me', Aunt Donna, and Uncle Johnny. You will never be forgotten. This Christmas will not be the same, as well as the rest to come.
Bring on the new year! Let's embrace 2011 with as much love and peace as possible!
---
SHADOW OF THE DAY - Linkin Park
In cards and flowers on your window
Your friends all plead for you to stay
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
Sometimes good bye's the only way
[Chorus]
And the sun will set for you
The sun will set for you
And the shadow of the day
Will embrace the world in grey
And the sun will set for you...
---
WAITING FOR THE END - Linkin Park
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It’s out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Put Prayer Into Practice
Her name is Barbara, and she is one of the truest friends I have ever known. This woman would stop whatever she was doing to be there for me, and that's just the kind of person she is with all of her friends.
We met in September of 2005, when Gage and I moved to Fort Hood, TX. She was the very first female friend that I made and we hit it off instantly. We both felt very special because our husbands would ask us to to go with them to "guy's night" while all of the other wives were not invited. There was never a dull moment when the two of us were together. I was the Maid of Honor in her wedding, our husband's worked together... I had hoped that our families would stay close for years. Unfortunately, time and circumstances have taken that dream away but Barbara Maier is forever a dear friend to me and even with her miles away, I still carry her in my heart.
Because she is so special to me, my heart is breaking over all that she has been going through. I wish so badly that I could be with her right now. But since I can't, the best that I can do is beg everyone for their prayers and support. Barbara has suffered with a lot of different health issues for as long as I have known her. The most recent development is the return of her brain tumor, which has grown larger than the last time. The following link is a note that she wrote, explaining her situation: http://www.facebook.com/barbie.maier?v=wall#!/note.php?note_id=448056517163 .
As you can see, her oldest son Payton is also struggling with some health issues. I can remember the day my mother-in-law and I drove straight from the airport to the hospital because Payton was rushed there for seizures. This was almost 5 years ago and he's still having them. He is such an awesome boy. The whole family is. They are a beautiful family and wonderful people.They need our prayers, and I as their friend am asking you to take a moment out of your busy life to do so. Her husband Michael is a wonderful man, and I admire him for all of the support and love he has shown his wife in these hard times.
Barbara has a fund raising page for anyone who can afford to donate some money. If this is something you would be interested in, please visit the site: http://pages.lightthenight.org/sctx/AustinL10/BMaier#home . If you can't afford it, please at least continue to pray for them.
Barbara, I promise you that the moment I have enough money for a trip, you will be the first person to know. I love you, girl.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Humbled by HIS Everlasting Love!
Only a year ago I was writing such inspirational blogs on here, about the standards I had set for myself with men, and how I would wait for God to bring me the right one... it's amazing how quickly you can fall into exactly what you don't want to fall for the moment you let your guard down. It takes no time at all for temptation to fester inside of you...
I have learned an important lesson that as a Christian woman, I can't listen to that old adage "follow your heart." The heart can be the most deceiving part on a woman's body. It desires so much more than her spirit can handle; a man who can provide her every want and need. When the truth is, there is only ONE who can satisfy every woman AND man's want and need.
It doesn't matter if your male or female, fat or skinny, tall or short... God created us ALL alike in one sense that our brains are all located in the same place: our heads. The purpose of this is for us to use our HEADS to think, and not our hearts... or other body parts as some like to accuse men of thinking with...
A year ago, I battled between my head and my heart and unfortunately in the end, I let my heart win. I made the conscious choice to follow my heart, all the while my mind was screaming at me to get my attention, until I finally muted it. And now I am left once again to pick up all of the pieces from the heart break that I knowingly walked straight into. There is nobody for me to blame but myself. I could have used my head and taken a completely different path, but I didn't.
How many times will I do this to myself before I learn a true lesson in WAITING ON THE LORD???!!!! I don't have an answer for that. I'd like to be able to say, "never again" but being that I am only human, all I can really promise myself is that I will try harder not to be so selfish and impatient the next time. But here is one thing I do know for sure: God is working in me. Once again, he is teaching me a lesson from my mistakes and helping me to grow in His love. He has yet again proven to be the one "guy" that has stayed with me all the way. I don't deserve His love but oh, how grateful I am for it!
How does anybody take advantage of such a PERFECT love? What makes us worthy of it when He knows we aren't always going to be faithful in our relationship with Him? God demonstrates the kind of love no human will ever be able to perfect in their own lives, though it's not an excuse to not try: forgiveness and mercy.
This doesn't mean that the feelings your heart produces are all wrong. But I believe that if you follow God first, using your head to make reasonable choices, your heart will follow with more reasonable feelings. Without a brain a human can't live. Likewise, without a beating heart a human is dead. The two work together to keep us alive, and to keep love alive. It's a team effort and one can't go at it all alone.
I could ramble on forever, but I'll leave it with this passage from my (always) favorite book, Lady in Waiting:
"When a single woman experiences a prolonged period of datelessness, loneliness tempts her to compromise her conviction concerning dating a growing Christian. Her dateless state may pressure her to surrender to the temptation of dating an unbeliever. She may justify such a date in the guise of being a witness for Jesus. Many single women have been trapped emotionally with an unbeliever when it all began with "missionary dating." Ponder this: Every unbelieving marriage partner arrived as an unbeliever on the first date. As trite as it may seem, every date is a potential mate. Avoid dating an unbeliever... You must set a higher standard and resist dating a guy who is not growing in his intimacy with Christ."
I have learned an important lesson that as a Christian woman, I can't listen to that old adage "follow your heart." The heart can be the most deceiving part on a woman's body. It desires so much more than her spirit can handle; a man who can provide her every want and need. When the truth is, there is only ONE who can satisfy every woman AND man's want and need.
It doesn't matter if your male or female, fat or skinny, tall or short... God created us ALL alike in one sense that our brains are all located in the same place: our heads. The purpose of this is for us to use our HEADS to think, and not our hearts... or other body parts as some like to accuse men of thinking with...
A year ago, I battled between my head and my heart and unfortunately in the end, I let my heart win. I made the conscious choice to follow my heart, all the while my mind was screaming at me to get my attention, until I finally muted it. And now I am left once again to pick up all of the pieces from the heart break that I knowingly walked straight into. There is nobody for me to blame but myself. I could have used my head and taken a completely different path, but I didn't.
How many times will I do this to myself before I learn a true lesson in WAITING ON THE LORD???!!!! I don't have an answer for that. I'd like to be able to say, "never again" but being that I am only human, all I can really promise myself is that I will try harder not to be so selfish and impatient the next time. But here is one thing I do know for sure: God is working in me. Once again, he is teaching me a lesson from my mistakes and helping me to grow in His love. He has yet again proven to be the one "guy" that has stayed with me all the way. I don't deserve His love but oh, how grateful I am for it!
How does anybody take advantage of such a PERFECT love? What makes us worthy of it when He knows we aren't always going to be faithful in our relationship with Him? God demonstrates the kind of love no human will ever be able to perfect in their own lives, though it's not an excuse to not try: forgiveness and mercy.
This doesn't mean that the feelings your heart produces are all wrong. But I believe that if you follow God first, using your head to make reasonable choices, your heart will follow with more reasonable feelings. Without a brain a human can't live. Likewise, without a beating heart a human is dead. The two work together to keep us alive, and to keep love alive. It's a team effort and one can't go at it all alone.
I could ramble on forever, but I'll leave it with this passage from my (always) favorite book, Lady in Waiting:
"When a single woman experiences a prolonged period of datelessness, loneliness tempts her to compromise her conviction concerning dating a growing Christian. Her dateless state may pressure her to surrender to the temptation of dating an unbeliever. She may justify such a date in the guise of being a witness for Jesus. Many single women have been trapped emotionally with an unbeliever when it all began with "missionary dating." Ponder this: Every unbelieving marriage partner arrived as an unbeliever on the first date. As trite as it may seem, every date is a potential mate. Avoid dating an unbeliever... You must set a higher standard and resist dating a guy who is not growing in his intimacy with Christ."
Monday, September 27, 2010
Staying Strong
I struggle with finding a Church where I am fully accepted, because everywhere that I have gone to worship I have received very strong judgment from others. There are some who talk behind my back, while others give me their thoughts to my face or by a letter...
"April, you are a divorced, single mother and that is ungodly. God created children to have two parents and it's not right to be raising your son without a father for him."
Yes, I get this sermon more than you may think. My first thought is, 'let me just wave my magic wand and make Mr. Right appear!!' And then my second thought is, 'if God felt it was wrong then he would have already brought me Mr. Right.'
It's a lot easier to be accepted in society as a single mom by non-Christians than it is by Christians, and that's the truth. In my case, most fellow Christians have either treated me as a huge sinner who doesn't really love God or know Him like they do, or they have treated me as a charity case for them to minister to. I don't need either. I just want to be seen and respected as the woman that I am. Once again, I get more respect from non-Christians than my fellow brother's and sister's. And just like any other human that runs the face of this earth, I tend to flock to the group that I feel most comfortable with. If I can't feel comfortable with my brother's and sister's in Christ, who am I going to feel comfortable with? Yet I am tired of living that lifestyle!
My son has been nothing but a blessing to me. In fact, I still stand by the fact that God used him to save my life. I never knew I would enjoy being a mother as much as I do today. And yes, there are times that I can see how much Gabe needs a man in his life. Heck, there are times I can see how much I need a man in my life!! Of course I would like someone to complete our little family; to lead us and take care of us. But God just keeps teaching me that I need to wait on Him for the right time and the right man. In other words, STOP WORRYING ABOUT ALL OF THESE OPINIONS ABOUT HOW I NEED A HUSBAND RIGHT NOW, AND WAIT ON THE ONLY ONE THAT TRULY MATTERS: GOD!
And so, I am renewing my vows with God. To love Him, serve Him, obey Him, and wait for Him, and ONLY Him.
But before I finish this, I want to make a point that I love my Christian family very much, including those who have shared their thoughts about my life with me or with others. And in their examples I have learned a very valuable lesson for myself: to not judge someone else until I've walked a mile in their shoes. While some of my sins are more "obvious" because I am, as we've already established, a single mom, I am no worse of a sinner than the man who struggles with porn behind closed doors, or the woman who suffers "gossiping syndrome." We all must follow the same suit of confessing our sins to God in order to be forgiven, and learning from our mistakes. Most importantly, we all must turn to Him for strength and guidance, without letting the past rule our future.
I encourage all of my friends and family to get to know someone's story before judging them. You might find that you have more in common than you realize!
LUKE 7:36-50:
"...when a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'if this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner.'
Jesus answered him, 'Simon, I have something to tell you.'
'Tell me, teach,' he said.
'Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him 500, and the other 50. Neither of them had the money to pay him back so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?'
Simon replied, 'I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.'
'You have judged correctly,' Jesus said. Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair... Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little...' Jesus said to the woman, 'your faith has saved you; go in peace.'
---
I thank the Lord for hearing my cries and forgiving my sins, and I pray that this touches the hearts of others as it has touched mine.
"April, you are a divorced, single mother and that is ungodly. God created children to have two parents and it's not right to be raising your son without a father for him."
Yes, I get this sermon more than you may think. My first thought is, 'let me just wave my magic wand and make Mr. Right appear!!' And then my second thought is, 'if God felt it was wrong then he would have already brought me Mr. Right.'
It's a lot easier to be accepted in society as a single mom by non-Christians than it is by Christians, and that's the truth. In my case, most fellow Christians have either treated me as a huge sinner who doesn't really love God or know Him like they do, or they have treated me as a charity case for them to minister to. I don't need either. I just want to be seen and respected as the woman that I am. Once again, I get more respect from non-Christians than my fellow brother's and sister's. And just like any other human that runs the face of this earth, I tend to flock to the group that I feel most comfortable with. If I can't feel comfortable with my brother's and sister's in Christ, who am I going to feel comfortable with? Yet I am tired of living that lifestyle!
My son has been nothing but a blessing to me. In fact, I still stand by the fact that God used him to save my life. I never knew I would enjoy being a mother as much as I do today. And yes, there are times that I can see how much Gabe needs a man in his life. Heck, there are times I can see how much I need a man in my life!! Of course I would like someone to complete our little family; to lead us and take care of us. But God just keeps teaching me that I need to wait on Him for the right time and the right man. In other words, STOP WORRYING ABOUT ALL OF THESE OPINIONS ABOUT HOW I NEED A HUSBAND RIGHT NOW, AND WAIT ON THE ONLY ONE THAT TRULY MATTERS: GOD!
And so, I am renewing my vows with God. To love Him, serve Him, obey Him, and wait for Him, and ONLY Him.
But before I finish this, I want to make a point that I love my Christian family very much, including those who have shared their thoughts about my life with me or with others. And in their examples I have learned a very valuable lesson for myself: to not judge someone else until I've walked a mile in their shoes. While some of my sins are more "obvious" because I am, as we've already established, a single mom, I am no worse of a sinner than the man who struggles with porn behind closed doors, or the woman who suffers "gossiping syndrome." We all must follow the same suit of confessing our sins to God in order to be forgiven, and learning from our mistakes. Most importantly, we all must turn to Him for strength and guidance, without letting the past rule our future.
I encourage all of my friends and family to get to know someone's story before judging them. You might find that you have more in common than you realize!
LUKE 7:36-50:
"...when a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them.
When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, 'if this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is--that she is a sinner.'
Jesus answered him, 'Simon, I have something to tell you.'
'Tell me, teach,' he said.
'Two men owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him 500, and the other 50. Neither of them had the money to pay him back so he canceled the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?'
Simon replied, 'I suppose the one who had the bigger debt canceled.'
'You have judged correctly,' Jesus said. Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, 'Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair... Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven--for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little...' Jesus said to the woman, 'your faith has saved you; go in peace.'
---
I thank the Lord for hearing my cries and forgiving my sins, and I pray that this touches the hearts of others as it has touched mine.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I'm Back!
"April, where have you been?!" ...I know, I know. Over the past few months I've been silent with my blogging...
To cut straight to the point and put it bluntly, I've been struggling with harboring a lot of bitterness in the spiritual aspect of my life, which is what I do most of my writing on. More specifically, I've tried yet again to turn my back on God and do things my own way. FORTUNATELY, my faith is too strong to allow me to stay comfortable with my back turned on Him. UNFORTUNATELY, I always make mistakes that I end up regretting before I wise up and surrender to God. Back and forth, back and forth; it's like I'm bipolar (I'm not really, I promise). But then a very dear friend of mine reminded me that people throughout the Bible have struggled with the same things that I have, including the wavering back and forth part. But I know that I can't use my hardships in life as an excuse to continue living in sin.
"When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death... My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you... If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:13-27
Over the past few months I've tried to force myself into the new attitude that I'm "taking a break from religion." I've been very selfish. Reflecting on my life, especially in the past year or two, I've been hurt in more ways than I could have imagined. I allowed my hurt to turn into anger and eventually I let my anger affect my relationship with God as well as people I love very dearly. Who I am and what I write in these blogs is not fake; this is April Fontaine. It's no excuse but when I get to a point where I feel overwhelmed and completely alone in the world, as some have pointed out I've only given part of my faith to God and kept the rest of it invested in myself. That's why I keep following this repetition--I have yet to truly give God 100% full control over my life. 99% is not good enough. Instead, when months pass by and I'm still struggling to make it through life each day, I start taking it personal that the Lord doesn't love me.
That's how I've felt for a while. I convinced myself, or should I say, I allowed Satan to deceive me into thinking that the Lord does not care about me, that He is ashamed of me, and/or that He no longer hears my prayers. Finally, I reached a point where I felt like I was wasting my time on something (or someone) who didn't really care, so I decided to start taking matters into my own hands. I began building walls between myself and other people, but most importantly between me and God. I started distancing myself from loved ones, friends and family alike, whom I knew would try to preach to me, and I tried really hard to numb my heart towards the Holy Spirit. Instead of letting God heal the hurt in me I started creating my own defense mechanism: if I don't care about anything then I can't get hurt by anything anymore. However, much to my surprise, the only person I'm fooling is myself because it is impossible for me to successfully stop caring... about myself, about the people I love, and especially about my walk with God. (Just a side note, throughout all of this one thing has remained the same: my love for Gabe. I would never attempt to stop caring about the one good thing that God has blessed me with in my life!)
So here I sit, still in love with my Lord and Savior and seeking his forgiveness and mercy over the attitude that I've had for the past few months. It's funny how satan can make me believe that the Lord does not love me, but when I am fallen to my knees asking for God's forgiveness I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and even though there is still pain in my heart I can feel the joy that only God brings me being rekindled inside. I pray it reaches a point where the flame grows strong enough that it squelches all of the trials and tribulations I've struggled through.
"For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again..." Proverbs 24:16 I love the saying, "when you fall off your horse you have to get back on." It is so true. It may not be easy getting back into the saddle but it will always be worth the effort in the end. Why choose to walk alone when you have the option of being carried? In this case, the horse would be our Heavenly Father.
I am such a hard headed person, which some may say is a good thing. But it can be a stumbling block for me ever so often. If things aren't going the way I think they need to go I start taking matters into my own hands and trying to get them done. Anyone who knows me pretty well is probably laughing and shaking their head in agreement as they read this. It's a weakness of mine and it's something I need prayer for. I need to stop trying to control my life, even a small fraction of it. I need to start giving it ALL to God; every single aspect of it. I don't have any of the right answers but God does, if I would just be still and listen to Him.
So far, what I've done is tried to control my own life but got angry with God when my plan fell apart. Can anyone find the problem with that?
To cut straight to the point and put it bluntly, I've been struggling with harboring a lot of bitterness in the spiritual aspect of my life, which is what I do most of my writing on. More specifically, I've tried yet again to turn my back on God and do things my own way. FORTUNATELY, my faith is too strong to allow me to stay comfortable with my back turned on Him. UNFORTUNATELY, I always make mistakes that I end up regretting before I wise up and surrender to God. Back and forth, back and forth; it's like I'm bipolar (I'm not really, I promise). But then a very dear friend of mine reminded me that people throughout the Bible have struggled with the same things that I have, including the wavering back and forth part. But I know that I can't use my hardships in life as an excuse to continue living in sin.
"When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death... My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you... If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless. Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:13-27
Over the past few months I've tried to force myself into the new attitude that I'm "taking a break from religion." I've been very selfish. Reflecting on my life, especially in the past year or two, I've been hurt in more ways than I could have imagined. I allowed my hurt to turn into anger and eventually I let my anger affect my relationship with God as well as people I love very dearly. Who I am and what I write in these blogs is not fake; this is April Fontaine. It's no excuse but when I get to a point where I feel overwhelmed and completely alone in the world, as some have pointed out I've only given part of my faith to God and kept the rest of it invested in myself. That's why I keep following this repetition--I have yet to truly give God 100% full control over my life. 99% is not good enough. Instead, when months pass by and I'm still struggling to make it through life each day, I start taking it personal that the Lord doesn't love me.
That's how I've felt for a while. I convinced myself, or should I say, I allowed Satan to deceive me into thinking that the Lord does not care about me, that He is ashamed of me, and/or that He no longer hears my prayers. Finally, I reached a point where I felt like I was wasting my time on something (or someone) who didn't really care, so I decided to start taking matters into my own hands. I began building walls between myself and other people, but most importantly between me and God. I started distancing myself from loved ones, friends and family alike, whom I knew would try to preach to me, and I tried really hard to numb my heart towards the Holy Spirit. Instead of letting God heal the hurt in me I started creating my own defense mechanism: if I don't care about anything then I can't get hurt by anything anymore. However, much to my surprise, the only person I'm fooling is myself because it is impossible for me to successfully stop caring... about myself, about the people I love, and especially about my walk with God. (Just a side note, throughout all of this one thing has remained the same: my love for Gabe. I would never attempt to stop caring about the one good thing that God has blessed me with in my life!)
So here I sit, still in love with my Lord and Savior and seeking his forgiveness and mercy over the attitude that I've had for the past few months. It's funny how satan can make me believe that the Lord does not love me, but when I am fallen to my knees asking for God's forgiveness I can feel His arms wrapped around me, and even though there is still pain in my heart I can feel the joy that only God brings me being rekindled inside. I pray it reaches a point where the flame grows strong enough that it squelches all of the trials and tribulations I've struggled through.
"For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again..." Proverbs 24:16 I love the saying, "when you fall off your horse you have to get back on." It is so true. It may not be easy getting back into the saddle but it will always be worth the effort in the end. Why choose to walk alone when you have the option of being carried? In this case, the horse would be our Heavenly Father.
I am such a hard headed person, which some may say is a good thing. But it can be a stumbling block for me ever so often. If things aren't going the way I think they need to go I start taking matters into my own hands and trying to get them done. Anyone who knows me pretty well is probably laughing and shaking their head in agreement as they read this. It's a weakness of mine and it's something I need prayer for. I need to stop trying to control my life, even a small fraction of it. I need to start giving it ALL to God; every single aspect of it. I don't have any of the right answers but God does, if I would just be still and listen to Him.
So far, what I've done is tried to control my own life but got angry with God when my plan fell apart. Can anyone find the problem with that?
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
Mary Stevenson, 1936
"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen... Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice." Ephesians 4:29, 31
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
"I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who does it, but it is sin living in me that does it." Romans 7:18-20
"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19
"There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." 1 John 4:18
Confusion
I want to clarify for some people that when I talk about my past "negative" encounters with Christians I am not referring to the Church family I grew up in; I am referring to individuals from all over my life, not all from the same congregation. I love the Church family that I was raised in very much and consider myself blessed to have them in my life; they played a very large role in making me the woman I am today (the good side of me, not including the mistakes I've made) and anyone who knows me well enough knows and understands my love for my family by now. So when I talk about the past, please know that I don't mention names for a reason. It's not to have my readers jump to conclusions and assume they know who I'm talking about. Chances are most people are wrong about who they assume I'm referring to. I keep names out to respect privacy. But it needs to be understood that I do not write a blog unless I am convicted to do so, thus the reason I haven't blogged in a few months which I'll get to in my next post. I am not exaggerating when I say that there have been MANY people who've expressed how helpful, inspirational, and spiritually encouraging my blogs have been for them. Those are the people God puts on my heart to write for and I will not deny those convictions. However, there have been a few viewers who have understandably but mistakenly took offense to what I wrote. Unfortunately, these people weren't even mentioned in my blog and I never meant anything even slightly to be directed towards them.
So please do me a favor, if you want to read my blogs, focus on the message I'm bringing and not who or what personal encounters I'm talking about. It's not my intention to toot my horn when I say that God has blessed me with a gift and a passion to write for others, and I do not want to deny His will for me. I consider these blogs a part of my ministry and therefore, it is important to me that I don't write anything to intentionally hurt people. So if there are any questions or thoughts about what I write, whether they be positive or negative, PLEASE do not go to someone else about it. Chances are, I could clarify what I meant by what I wrote better than any second party could. And if I am at fault for saying something offensive then I do sincerely apologize because that is never my intention with my blogs. I only want to write about my life as a way to encourage others, never to hurt them. InGodsHands8506@gmail.com Please feel free to always email me with your thoughts or concerns, any time.
So please do me a favor, if you want to read my blogs, focus on the message I'm bringing and not who or what personal encounters I'm talking about. It's not my intention to toot my horn when I say that God has blessed me with a gift and a passion to write for others, and I do not want to deny His will for me. I consider these blogs a part of my ministry and therefore, it is important to me that I don't write anything to intentionally hurt people. So if there are any questions or thoughts about what I write, whether they be positive or negative, PLEASE do not go to someone else about it. Chances are, I could clarify what I meant by what I wrote better than any second party could. And if I am at fault for saying something offensive then I do sincerely apologize because that is never my intention with my blogs. I only want to write about my life as a way to encourage others, never to hurt them. InGodsHands8506@gmail.com Please feel free to always email me with your thoughts or concerns, any time.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Scare Tactics
A couple weeks ago I ran into a young man that had just stopped going to church about a month ago. We had a good talk with each other and I got to hear the reason for why he walked away from church. I have to say, I was deeply burdened by his story...
This specific young man, who we'll call "Joe" for the sake of confusion (even though that's not his real name), lost his brother in a car accident just a few weeks ago. After Joe shared his loss with another man in church, rathing than consoling Joe the man began asking about his brother's salvation. Joe said he did not believe his brother was saved and so this man took it upon himself to explain to Joe that his brother was in hell right now. He used Joe's sorrow as an opportunity to teach a "lesson" that Hell is not where we want to end up. This man witnessed first hand the changes Joe had been trying to make in his own life as a babe in the faith. Yet, in a time where Joe (a brand new Christian) was mourning the death of his brother, his "Brother in Christ" took it upon himself to use it as a scare tactic.
Scare tactics.... what exactly is the meaning behind them and what place do they have in the Christian realm? Sure, the Bible says to fear the Lord, but with a true understanding of the word of God you would know that this doesn't mean we're supposed to live every day in fear that God could strike us with a lightening bult.
"Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord. Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly." Leviticus 19:14-15
"And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13
"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you." 1 Samuel 12:24
"He told them, 'Consider carefully what you do, because you are not judging for man but for the Lord, who is with you whenever you give a verdict. Now let the fear of the Lord be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the Lord our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery.'" 2 Chronicles 19:6-7
"For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." Psalm 86:10-12
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7
"Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:9-10
We can see in some of these verses above that our "fear" for God derives from judging fairly and carefully; walking after God and obeying His commands; loving God with all of our hearts; seeking wisdom and increasing our knowledge of the Lord. How do we accomplish all of this? By staying in the word and in prayer as often as possible. You come to know who God truly is through His word. And in my opinion, from what I've learned about God (over the past approx 20 years of studying my Bible) He is not a God who wishes for His children to tell a man in mourning that His brother is currently being tortured for his sins. Should we hold back on sharing what we believe about God? Absolutely not! I encourage every person, no matter what they believe, that if they are truly convicted in where they stand to share it! If it's truth, it needs to be heard. I am not telling anybody that they should hide their beliefs, what I am saying is that there is a time and place for everything:
"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I must say, I've been deeply dissapointed in some "christians" for quite a while; some that I know personally, some that I've heard stories about. Please don't misunderstand me, I know that I am by no means a perfect Christian. In fact, compared to some of these people I am probably a greater hypocrite than they are! But one thing I am strongly convicted on is my place in judging others, and that is that it's NOT my place to judge their salvation. It's is God's position only to judge that part of a man's life. My job is not even so much to speak the word of God as much as it is to LIVE the word of God. I know that I fail at this many times, EVERY DAY to be exact. There is nobody that could be more aware of my failures than myself, other than God of course. And that is why the choices I make are between me and God, and your walk is between yourself and God. Of course I will share my passion for Christ with everyone who wants to hear it, but I try my hardest to choose the right words at the right time, and I do so by letting the Holy Spirit guide my words and not myself. I know that my tongue can be a bitter one; I have the power to cut a man (or woman) into tiny pieces if I wanted... and I won't lie, there have been times where I have. That is why it can't be me that speaks the word of God to others, but the love of God that is within me (psalm 52:4, proverbs 11:12, proverbs 12:18, proverbs 15:4, proverbs 18:21, james 1:26, james 3:5-9***KEY IS VERSE 9, 1 Pet 3:10, 1 John 3:18). This rule doesn't just apply to me, but to everyone who wants to do the will of God, including leaders.
Recently, I also heard about a pastor who told one of his members, my friend, that their personality was very dull and they were too self focused (which is far from the truth); basically, they needed a new personality. Apparently this "pastor" forgot his place, and in my opinion, set a really horrible example about the love of God for everyone around him who heard his slandering words.
I've lived almost my entire life with people watching my every move very closely, waiting for me to screw up. The moment I stumbled people would harp on me almost immediately, explaining to me what a sinner I was, and they'd begin pressuring me to start doing things the way they saw fit for me. I've been made to feel like a horrible, wretched sinner by fellow Christians who called themselves my brother's and sister's in Christ. They felt that God was the one calling them to make me feel so low about myself. I don't doubt they truly believed they were convicted by God, which just goes to show why it's very important we check our "convictions" at the door with God, for Satan can be very deceiving. I thank my Heavenly Father that He gave me a strong enough will to not let the cutting words drive deep inside of me. I have recognize that I am equally a sinner, and I have forgiven those who offended me. But there are some who don't have a strong enough will to keep such hurtful words from bringing them down and making them feel unworthy of God's love compared to others.
I know without a doubt that my strong foundation in my walk with God would not be where it's at today if I had not made some of the poor decisions that I made, or walked away from some of the people that I needed to walk away from. I'm not saying it was God who led me to start partying when I was 17 years old, or even to get married at 19 when I was not ready to be married. Those were my own, bad choices, and I've never shown any sign of trying to blame them on other people or even say that they were led by God. However, let's review human *Christian's* responses to the mistakes I've made compared to God's response (I am simply using myself as an example, but there are thousands of other Christians and even non Christians being wrongly persecuted as well):
HUMAN: "April, you are a good Christian but you're a horrible sinner. At this rate, you're going to fall off the edge of the mountain.. You are such a disrespectful and rude person who doesn't listen to anything *PEOPLE* tell you to do ((as opposed to what GOD tells me to do)). You committed a sin today, yesterday, the day before, and so on.. likewise, I committed a sin today, yesterday, and every other day of my life, but I've decided that while you're being destroyed for your sins, even though you are a born again Christian and baptized just as I am, I will get to go to Heaven and be blessed for my sins. It may not seem fair to you but it's easier for me to condemn you, April, than myself. It's easier for me to focus on your sins than my own. So instead of trying to control my own life, I'll try to control yours..." (and yes, I have been told this; I'm not exagerating. If anything, I'm repeating it in a lighter format)
GOD: "April, remember when I said: 'Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.'(Luke 7:47)--I give you, and anyone who wants it, this same promise."
If you can't tell, I feel very strongly about this subject matter. Perhaps it is because I've experienced it so often in my own life. If you haven't been judged as soarly as I or some others have been, you may not be able to understand the depth of the pain it inflicts on your life. You may think words are just words. You may even think that you're doing the will of God. If you are, how are you approaching His will? Is it with the Love of God or with your own fleshly approach? Do you allow your own emotions, your own care and concern for someone, to control your behavior in the way you reach out to them? Are you truly allowing God to direct your heart and your words? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN WAS OKAY TO TELL "JOE" THAT HIS BROTHER WAS IN HELL WHEN JOE DIDN'T ASK TO HEAR THAT, ESPECIALLY WHILE HE WAS MOURNING HIS BROTHER'S DEATH? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PASTOR HAD A RIGHT TO TELL ONE OF HIS FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS THAT THEY PRETTY MUCH LACKED A PERSONALITY?
This week I was sent an email from a friend whom I will always hold dear to me. They were concerned for me, and I could tell in the way they wrote their letter that they were nervous to say anything at all. But they did well in using love and compassion in their words rather than condemnation. Because of that, their words were able to weigh on my heart and my mind more so than any person whose ever tried to approach me with "scare tactics."
When we claim the title "CHRISTIAN," we need to follow through with its job description: being CHRIST LIKE. I don't believe this even refers to committing sins like doing drugs, gambling, etc. as much as it refers to the character we are called to develop, which includes the way we judge, treat, and speak to others. This is all I'm going to say for now. Let it rest on your heart for a while.
This specific young man, who we'll call "Joe" for the sake of confusion (even though that's not his real name), lost his brother in a car accident just a few weeks ago. After Joe shared his loss with another man in church, rathing than consoling Joe the man began asking about his brother's salvation. Joe said he did not believe his brother was saved and so this man took it upon himself to explain to Joe that his brother was in hell right now. He used Joe's sorrow as an opportunity to teach a "lesson" that Hell is not where we want to end up. This man witnessed first hand the changes Joe had been trying to make in his own life as a babe in the faith. Yet, in a time where Joe (a brand new Christian) was mourning the death of his brother, his "Brother in Christ" took it upon himself to use it as a scare tactic.
Scare tactics.... what exactly is the meaning behind them and what place do they have in the Christian realm? Sure, the Bible says to fear the Lord, but with a true understanding of the word of God you would know that this doesn't mean we're supposed to live every day in fear that God could strike us with a lightening bult.
"Do not curse the deaf or put a stumbling block in front of the blind, but fear your God. I am the Lord. Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly." Leviticus 19:14-15
"And now, O Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?" Deuteronomy 10:12-13
"But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you." 1 Samuel 12:24
"He told them, 'Consider carefully what you do, because you are not judging for man but for the Lord, who is with you whenever you give a verdict. Now let the fear of the Lord be upon you. Judge carefully, for with the Lord our God there is no injustice or partiality or bribery.'" 2 Chronicles 19:6-7
"For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God. Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever." Psalm 86:10-12
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline." Proverbs 1:7
"Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding." Proverbs 9:9-10
We can see in some of these verses above that our "fear" for God derives from judging fairly and carefully; walking after God and obeying His commands; loving God with all of our hearts; seeking wisdom and increasing our knowledge of the Lord. How do we accomplish all of this? By staying in the word and in prayer as often as possible. You come to know who God truly is through His word. And in my opinion, from what I've learned about God (over the past approx 20 years of studying my Bible) He is not a God who wishes for His children to tell a man in mourning that His brother is currently being tortured for his sins. Should we hold back on sharing what we believe about God? Absolutely not! I encourage every person, no matter what they believe, that if they are truly convicted in where they stand to share it! If it's truth, it needs to be heard. I am not telling anybody that they should hide their beliefs, what I am saying is that there is a time and place for everything:
"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
I must say, I've been deeply dissapointed in some "christians" for quite a while; some that I know personally, some that I've heard stories about. Please don't misunderstand me, I know that I am by no means a perfect Christian. In fact, compared to some of these people I am probably a greater hypocrite than they are! But one thing I am strongly convicted on is my place in judging others, and that is that it's NOT my place to judge their salvation. It's is God's position only to judge that part of a man's life. My job is not even so much to speak the word of God as much as it is to LIVE the word of God. I know that I fail at this many times, EVERY DAY to be exact. There is nobody that could be more aware of my failures than myself, other than God of course. And that is why the choices I make are between me and God, and your walk is between yourself and God. Of course I will share my passion for Christ with everyone who wants to hear it, but I try my hardest to choose the right words at the right time, and I do so by letting the Holy Spirit guide my words and not myself. I know that my tongue can be a bitter one; I have the power to cut a man (or woman) into tiny pieces if I wanted... and I won't lie, there have been times where I have. That is why it can't be me that speaks the word of God to others, but the love of God that is within me (psalm 52:4, proverbs 11:12, proverbs 12:18, proverbs 15:4, proverbs 18:21, james 1:26, james 3:5-9***KEY IS VERSE 9, 1 Pet 3:10, 1 John 3:18). This rule doesn't just apply to me, but to everyone who wants to do the will of God, including leaders.
Recently, I also heard about a pastor who told one of his members, my friend, that their personality was very dull and they were too self focused (which is far from the truth); basically, they needed a new personality. Apparently this "pastor" forgot his place, and in my opinion, set a really horrible example about the love of God for everyone around him who heard his slandering words.
I've lived almost my entire life with people watching my every move very closely, waiting for me to screw up. The moment I stumbled people would harp on me almost immediately, explaining to me what a sinner I was, and they'd begin pressuring me to start doing things the way they saw fit for me. I've been made to feel like a horrible, wretched sinner by fellow Christians who called themselves my brother's and sister's in Christ. They felt that God was the one calling them to make me feel so low about myself. I don't doubt they truly believed they were convicted by God, which just goes to show why it's very important we check our "convictions" at the door with God, for Satan can be very deceiving. I thank my Heavenly Father that He gave me a strong enough will to not let the cutting words drive deep inside of me. I have recognize that I am equally a sinner, and I have forgiven those who offended me. But there are some who don't have a strong enough will to keep such hurtful words from bringing them down and making them feel unworthy of God's love compared to others.
I know without a doubt that my strong foundation in my walk with God would not be where it's at today if I had not made some of the poor decisions that I made, or walked away from some of the people that I needed to walk away from. I'm not saying it was God who led me to start partying when I was 17 years old, or even to get married at 19 when I was not ready to be married. Those were my own, bad choices, and I've never shown any sign of trying to blame them on other people or even say that they were led by God. However, let's review human *Christian's* responses to the mistakes I've made compared to God's response (I am simply using myself as an example, but there are thousands of other Christians and even non Christians being wrongly persecuted as well):
HUMAN: "April, you are a good Christian but you're a horrible sinner. At this rate, you're going to fall off the edge of the mountain.. You are such a disrespectful and rude person who doesn't listen to anything *PEOPLE* tell you to do ((as opposed to what GOD tells me to do)). You committed a sin today, yesterday, the day before, and so on.. likewise, I committed a sin today, yesterday, and every other day of my life, but I've decided that while you're being destroyed for your sins, even though you are a born again Christian and baptized just as I am, I will get to go to Heaven and be blessed for my sins. It may not seem fair to you but it's easier for me to condemn you, April, than myself. It's easier for me to focus on your sins than my own. So instead of trying to control my own life, I'll try to control yours..." (and yes, I have been told this; I'm not exagerating. If anything, I'm repeating it in a lighter format)
GOD: "April, remember when I said: 'Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—for she loved much. But he who has been forgiven little loves little.'(Luke 7:47)--I give you, and anyone who wants it, this same promise."
If you can't tell, I feel very strongly about this subject matter. Perhaps it is because I've experienced it so often in my own life. If you haven't been judged as soarly as I or some others have been, you may not be able to understand the depth of the pain it inflicts on your life. You may think words are just words. You may even think that you're doing the will of God. If you are, how are you approaching His will? Is it with the Love of God or with your own fleshly approach? Do you allow your own emotions, your own care and concern for someone, to control your behavior in the way you reach out to them? Are you truly allowing God to direct your heart and your words? DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS MAN WAS OKAY TO TELL "JOE" THAT HIS BROTHER WAS IN HELL WHEN JOE DIDN'T ASK TO HEAR THAT, ESPECIALLY WHILE HE WAS MOURNING HIS BROTHER'S DEATH? DO YOU BELIEVE THE PASTOR HAD A RIGHT TO TELL ONE OF HIS FAITHFUL FOLLOWERS THAT THEY PRETTY MUCH LACKED A PERSONALITY?
This week I was sent an email from a friend whom I will always hold dear to me. They were concerned for me, and I could tell in the way they wrote their letter that they were nervous to say anything at all. But they did well in using love and compassion in their words rather than condemnation. Because of that, their words were able to weigh on my heart and my mind more so than any person whose ever tried to approach me with "scare tactics."
When we claim the title "CHRISTIAN," we need to follow through with its job description: being CHRIST LIKE. I don't believe this even refers to committing sins like doing drugs, gambling, etc. as much as it refers to the character we are called to develop, which includes the way we judge, treat, and speak to others. This is all I'm going to say for now. Let it rest on your heart for a while.
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